Memories of My Suffering

One morning, I realized the feeling of losing my grip. As if I was alone and the feeling of emptiness was there. I wanted to shout to the whole world, but I guess no one can ever understand and even listen to me. Except these three persons. Me, myself and I. Why is it that It was always we lose something everytime we chose something?? Is it called a sacrifice thing? or is it really the worth of everything?? -is to lose something. And then, because of this fact.. I'm nothing now..and I feel nothing.. And yeah.. I still survive, still living, still breathing.. but that was the damn thing I'm talking about!!! A life wothout a reason, living a life with emptiness. Its not that I wanted a perfect life.. Its not that I'm too much demanding about the life I wanted. Rather its a life without the ME! The me, the girl I am, the woman I am, the person I wanted to be, the feeling that I wanna feel, the words I wanna say, the actions I wanna do. I'm losing a freedom, and I felt like its forever jail that nobody can bailed me out.. except for the evrything that I've lose.
Sometimes I even ask myself why does it happen to me? why me? why do I feel this way? are all of these are worthy enough to save my manhood future? are all these things just a trials that test me?am i the most unfortunate person in the earth? is these my destiny?am i happy with eveything I had now which is really NOTHING!WORTHLESS!PAINFUL SACRIFICE!
Gosh! the hell I'm talking about right? I'm so freaking today and I just really dunnow what to do.. Is there someone whom can help me, not only listening to me? but Someone who can understand me, and most of all can feel me even without the fact of my emotions? wAAh!! i wanna die.. I felt like there will be no tommorrow for me,these is forever storm. these things happen are killing me softly.. and I can tell you.. I wanna give up and escape these fate. My Last day is soon... I hOpe they knew. I Hope i knew when would it be.I don't believe anymore in rainbows.. and guess what.. i dunnow how to trust and how to handle this faith falling in my hands.

But before anything else I wanna thank these people im talking about for everything that they have done.. huh?!! are they happy knowing that they're killing me softly! Well, I do hate them! Its hard to forgive people with their narrow mind! I hate them! and i really do.. Imagine I'm pretending all of these days in this fucking hell as I get along with them. they knew it., And theyr'e good at it! how could they be like that kind of creatures! This hell really burningl! I wish I wasn't born, I didn't came out and exist in this planet knowing that this would be my fate.

Amigas El Emax

AMIGAS EL EMAX
A tribute for my beautiful girlfriends

"With them, I found another sister"
- Author

Bebe, Mommy, Ate, Bakla- Names we usually call each others aside from our US names.

Today, you will hear from me my testimonies. (Parang friendster lang noh) hahaha!

But before anything else, let me introduce you first our lady marmalades.

-Marthina Williams of Resume Sales -Khate Brown of Web Project Pusher -Shane West of Web Project Pusher -Sally Carlson former co-grant writer -Patricia Rhodes of REsume Writing


These girls have different personalities, charm and connection in me. But one thing for sure...they are all good and worthy fellas. I love them all. :-) (no matter what happens ^_^)

THE FIRST IMPRESSION:

1.Marthina Williams- I met her during a yoci break. The windows of HEAVENS room are still opened that time and then there I knew she was a new one. I ask for her name and her position. Honestly, she looks like suplada, but even if so.. I dont understand why I feel like I might have click with this girl soon. I also thought she was a discreet woman who loves to eat jjamppong using her chopsticks from chowkin. hahaha! Plus, that she was a single girl that might as well just graduated without any kids.

2. Khate Brown- At first, I don’t notice her existence. I mean yah she's a new trainee of Sir *#$ but just as what I thought I didn't expect that we will be this closer right now. She was a simple and well for my impression kinda introvert and a workaholic that I guess she will be just a plain co-worker for me. The kind of officemate that I will just pass by and greet whenever we cross each others or someone not belong on my clique. Then later on, I began to like her every time she greets me with a smile and even noticed my hair. hahha! I remember that!
3. Shane West- I dont know how it all started that I became close to her. She was a normal aura to me. I started noticing her when Martina, who actually my closed friend already also became closed to her. We started by sorta greeting and some silly conversation, then that's it. But before that happens I admit that she was kind of a deep girl that I don’t have any idea if she's for a friend or just nobody. Though I notice her kakiyan too and her cute charm.

4. Sally Carlson- I didn’t expect that she will be come one of my closes here. At first, I really don’t like the way she looks at me. The first meeting. You know what’s the feeling of someone who gaze at you with a meaning.. however since we became seatmates and I started to train her, I also started to like her. She’s open and taught me some useful applications in friendster. Heehe! Gosh I miss her na. I always admire her long hair. (cause it makes me miss my long hair too and get mad with my own crown.)

5. Patricia Rhodes- She was a serious, silent, kinda recluse girl that I never thought to be close of. I know she’s a good person but then there are some assertions of negative things on her..AT FIRST. Maybe because of her being an EMO. But then as she already join our group every midnight break and I started to have talk with her I always hear her some compliments and it makes me flatter all the time. Hihi!

These venuses despite of differences still leads me for them to be my friends. Its not actually about them, but its me who liked them and knew that I can built friendship with them thru thick and thin, thru closeness and distance.

I will never forget these new girlfriends I found. All of our bonding moments and every single moments: chikahan, tsimisan, crayola, love life, sex life, aura-aura, fashion and make-up, craziness, bitchiness, naughtiness, ka baklaan, gimik, confrontations, laughters, autobiography, assertions around the mania, sound trip, about guy talks, pictures, utangan, diet, glutathione, assets (boobs and butts), prospects, magazines, green talks, bad trip, food trips, videokes, our crowning glory, tops, undies, shorts and jeans, techie things, nail polish, chatmates, exes, husbands, kids, advises, comments and opinions, friendsters, yoci break, sleeping, stupid clients, busy work, shifting schedules, opening problems and everything under the sun.
“Whenever I accept friends, I learned to love them, and that love will grow until it reaches forever”.
- Author

Sometimes there are some WRONG IMPRESSIONS…

And the closer we gets, the more I get to know…

FACTS:

Ma, Christina Zapanta
- I didn’t expect that this tokayo of mine already have 2 sons. With that physical and social attributes I was surprise…
- Her suplada looks isn’t about pagtataray and snob type but its all about her being an authentic fighter and a strong woman.
- A bona fide BAKLA hahha! Gosh I don’t expect that we will really click. We had a lot of similarities especially in kakiyan.
- She like my butt daw! HAaha!
- Outspoken, Boisterous, easy heart melted, GENUINE, with OKRAY power, trust worthy, party girl, and with some punch lines that will kick the asses of her pinpoints.
- I f I do concerts while taking a bath, this time its different. This Christine uses her bathroom as an instant aerobics area. Hahah!
- She has a lot of changes (physically) from the first time I met her and the present time.
Hair: simple cut, color black NOW; sometimes curls + brownish red + headbands.
Face: hahah! My trend of eyeliner thang!+ warts make under + wooo MASCARA.
Body: More conscious: gluthathione, body scrubs, Dianne, whitening lotion and soap, Quaker oats, what else? Name it. Heheh!
- But this own cognizant are just like ME. Hehe! Nahawaan ko na ata siya! Haha!
- Praning pag dating kay ethan. HAHA! And the reason of her instant determinations to make over is because of this guy.
Myrene Ampeloquio
- Another momma that I didn’t expect. Aww..
- She’s responsible towards work, hardworking but sometimes she became quiet.
- My Mommy here.. and who’s the daddy?? Hahahh! Alam na!
- Wow boobs! Heheh
- Simple girl, Indian look and bagong hairstyle hhaha!
- Another easy heart melted.
- Sometimes she’s opinionated, easy to conclude and observant.
- With a terrible memoirs. (sad)
- We have similarities in liking guys who are: suplado, mysterious, and silent type.
- Quite emotional, turning to aloof and sometimes unpredictable.
- Julie tearjerky.


Bel Romero
- Simple girl and loves colorful outfits. Not to mention: PANTS hehe
- Apple of the eye in the office. Charming, and with a sweet sixteen aura. Oi, 19 n rin yan! hehe
- Sometimes she’s also opinionated and easy to conclude.
- When at bad mood and mad times you can easily notice that her eyebrows meet each other.
- Another tearjerker di lang halata.
- We have same taste in guys’ appearance: Chinito looks, long back cool hair, and with a slender body. Plus, the strong appeal.
- Loves ni %@$o* hahha!
- When she will explain her side you will notice how well she reacts.
Princess Pelon
- I was quite surprise knowing that she was elder than me.
- Plus, another surprise knowing the fact that she and Richard Davis (former techie) are siblings.
- These two siblings have a cutie sibling rivalry at times and you will notice how this princess acts dominantly to his brother, and the enmity never ends.
- One of another genuine person I know.
- I like it when I hear some compliments to her. Though she’s not directing it to her point but I’ll just kinda flatter the same way it goes.
- She’s a fan reader of my blog and write-up’s.
- We were opposite in terms of:
MONEY: I am spender, She was a saver.
STRUTS: I am modish laidback and she was a simple laidback.
SUBJECT: I am for English, She was for Math.
STUDY HABITS: Not so focused, but just go with the flow and enjoy, and she was the determine one plus a good daughter.
-GUDLUCK GIRL-
- As I notice mentioning above differences I was the one who’s shaming here, but the despite it where friends.
- EMO desktop, imikimi’s, friendster lay-outs. Heheh!
- I recommend her to listen “take a bow” of Rihanna and Voila!- na adik siya. Heheh!

Jennifer
- She has a gloomy love life, causes that tends her to be emotional.
- A frigid woman, idealistic and passionate.
- Hard working mother and I admire her for being so.
- I understand her so much. Its not because I am pity for her, but I know what it feels and its just that I want her to be stronger. So whenever chances come I don’t doubt to give in some moral support.
- She compliments me directly and I admit that was kinda flattering.
- HUMBLE, modest, has a subterranean nature and always have a good heart.

That’s all my fellow amigas… Hope nothing will change. Because I can see that these different girlfriends I have are the ones who are worth to keep.
“I look for a friend and found none. I became a friend, and friends are everywhere”.
-Author

PurpoSe of Life :-)

What is the best way of living your life in the world?

This is what our mass communication professor Mrs. Donna ask us in an impromptu recitation. It wasn't yet 5 minutes after I sat on my seat when this strict but damn so smart teacher ask us to do. A graded recitation just right after an attendance check; and after a 2 days of meeting with her.

What is the best way of living your life in the world?

She just want to see and knew how many of us can:
a. have a good communcation skills
b. can deliver good speech
c. has a wide knowledge and idea of our own perceptions

She gave us 3 minutes to think about it and she even told us that we dont need to wrote it down because we dont need to read our answers in front of the classroom.

Terrific!

At that time i was busy chit-chatting with my classmate as we missed each other so much. I thought to myself that it first it was not a graded recitation and second she just need our own views. We all have different opinions and own perceptions so there will be no wrong answers.

I just thought about it when the roll call starts. And it was alphabetically. Too bad i was the 6th one.

I dont quite remember what are the full details of my speech. But here it goes. I sorta expedite it and speech infront of my classmates and Mam Donna is good enough. (out of my quite nervousness and marathon of my brain- for more opinions i could say) Well that was what she say.

What is the best way of living
your life in our world?

We are here in earth for just a little while so we must live each day of our lives as if it was the last. Living in this world is such a blessing and there are many ways to live in the fullest. We have the freedom to choose what could make us happy and the independence on what life we want to have.

By being a better person to others, I'm starting myself to have the best way in living. And it would only be possible if I will live my life with a purpose. Living a life with a purpose doesn’t only serves as an aim but with this, I'm starting to LIVE and be ALIVE. Purpose comes with reasons why we want to live this life. Maybe I didn't yet discover it, but at some point I have reasons why I want to live. There are some people who inspire me to become a better one and show me what my own life purpose is. Doing good to others, make people happy, share my blessings, obey the rules and laws, doing what's right and be contented and enjoy my life are other ways living this life at my best.

All of us have one thing good at; with this I also bless the world with one thing good in me. Yes, I'm not expert in everything because I'm only human, but being an expert in one thing and offer it to the world would make my life with sense. Living our lives in the best would make this world a better place to live in.


Dont think that this is the EXACT details and delivery I recite, I quite edited but I dont miss an informations there. Just sharing my toughts. But I think this is what life all about.

The Sun Doesnt Know That It Was A Star

(the 3rd poem I made for him)

The stars strike magnificent at night, Just looking at it makes me feel so right, As the crack of dawn makes its way, Stars gone astray, anticipation fades away.

I just kept a look beneath the sunrise sky, Felt a cloud nine as my hope come to life. The sun too exquisite among the entire stars at night, I was astonish by its presence just nearby.

At last the sun showed up to me. The sunrise like paradise It might don't know how I waited for it. It might don't know how I longed for it.
The warmth of the sun touches my heart, It cast away my fears, my tears, and my scars. Another beginning for me to start, Ang give me the strength to love again.

It imparts its life. The courage for me to move and be alive, Its glow that radiates my soul, Shows me to believe and have faithfulness.
I know that the sun appears only at daylight. The time for happiness, a time of delight, It might don't know how much I value it, It might don't know how I appreciate it.

The days end as the sun came down. But it committed itself even without its presence. Despite the darkness and the cold I feel, It still shines and gives me light.

Maybe the sun doesn't know that it was a star. Obscured it may seen. But still I know that the ghost of the sun, A star in a tranquility of dark.

Exhilaration of the SUN remains in me Even at night. You shine brighter than anyone does.


I LOVE YOU.........

The Girl In Me

When I was a lil kid my mom told me that i was a very naughty, clumsy, but talented and smart girl. I am impish to the point that I even crawl up to stairs carelessly that I tumble so many times. I even play munggo seeds then put it inside my nostrils. Gosh! what a kid! I was ran into the hospital when that happen. I also play with electrical plugs and it was countless times I experienced grounded. Then there was this one time when my nanny was ironing clothes, I went over to what she was doing when she was back off. Perhaps due to my playful curiosity, I thought that iron was a new stuff to play. Oh-my-god! My very first burn! That memory will never be forgotten, I got a mark forever in my behind arms. It was a big remembrance of my carelessness placed above my elbows. From then on, I was afraid to hold that stupid man-made creation. And even right now at my age, I still dont know how to use it well. That thing lead me to some sorta "__burnphobia'. Also I remember how I love to draw at the wall of our house, but not at this time where my mom got mad at me. I used not crayons but pentel pens and drew a BIG portrait of an aquarium filled with fishes of different types. I didn't remember how I got that idea.. maybe because i was watching lil mermaid that time. HEhe:-) But in fairness in the age of 4, I can say that i have a talent in drawing. HAhAa! every time I remember how I drew that big fishes I am really laughing-because mom can't erase those non-living marine animals. Until we moved out here in Laguna we leave the old apartment with fishes on the wall. Another one is I liked to fool around my dad's big chest. What i will do is pinch his tits from time to time then I love it when I will seat on his feet as he was lying crunched and then he will stretch my arms like I was a flying girl then swing it. Well, I admit I am a daddy's girl before. -not now. But I know that despite of my rebellious act my dad still loves me so much and I was still his lil girl. Oh i forgot to tell you, supposedly I should have an elder sister, but mom miscarriage her so I became the first born and the eldest of my siblings. But after my birth it was a couple of years before my brother came out in the world. I can say that at the time that I was their only child,... im an ultimate spoiled brat!

Mama and Papa loves to bring me at malls. Almost everyday I have new dresses, shades, shoes, blings. Name it. That time since my parents had only me and my brother, my parents still have a well-off and prosperous life. I have a lot of pictures in my photo album where almost 1/2 of my "solo"-toddler-to-childhood-existence is in different places. Though some of them are with my brother. That time my utmost rascal as a kid still shines. Hehe! So here it goes: While I was growing and being a spoiled brat kid, I got what i want instantly. I will just simply blurb to my papa and yahoo got it! My brother's birth brings me happiness because I will have an ultimate playmate, but somehow I think attention to me wouldn't be the same anymore. Even the focus of attention of my parents was now for the their two children, I was still happy because I love my baby brother and I love to be ate.

I grown totally as an extrovert kid and a bibbo one. Maybe I can't blame myself, but I will not blame my parents. Being an extrovert as a kid is actually one of the best way to develop a kid. (well, this is actually my opinion as a grown up not just because this is actually me before.) Since my parents always bring me to different places specially at malls these are the things that influenced my grown-up: cinema malls and tv at home-(which is entertainment), shopping of new garbs at mall again -(which is fashion), and oh i forgot to mention these two good people who also cared and stay for me when I was a toddler. My auntie's. Auntie Sussan, sister of my mom- an ultimate fashionista. That until now at the age of 40's she still stay slim,stunning and never out of style. And my Auntie Clarisse, sister of my dad. She was a fine-arts graduate. Real artist of painting, sculpting and calligraphy writing. I have a cousins with them which is almost my same age. I was just older than them.

I love singing and dancing as well as posing infront of camera. That time my parents was clueless on what their daughter wanted to be with or to become in the future. One thing they're sure at: im a bibo girl, confident and talented and that's what they want to develop more. I am honestly saying this because these are what I am when I was a kid. I still remember some of those days and pictures that still reminds me of me.

Manilyn Reynes and Aiza Seguerra were one of my influences on my childhood performer career. They are at their prime that time. I sang the songs of Manilyn Reynes while Aiza Seguerra wons the Lil Ms. Philippine title and became a child star. I idolized them both. That time my parents let me participate in different types of activities while at the same time Im studying in a nursery school. Outside and inside the school, I already had a hectic schedule-wow! parang artista! harhar! See, I was a real spoiled brat here, and a real active and extrovert lil girl. My activities are as listed below: Ballet lesson, Piano lesson, dance activities in school, Singing rehearsal for my talent in Baby SM competition and always practice performance at home. Then after a year I joined Little Ms. Philippines. I remeber how i performed in the stage with a huge audience watching.. and I was confident. Unfortunately...and maybe this field is not a God's will for me. I got a chicken pox exactly on the date of the Finals of Little Ms. Phils. So of course, I have a high fever and can't make it anymore for the finals. When i turned grade 1 (7years old) I was put in a magazine with a picture of me and short feature of me as one of bibbo kids in the existence of that time. My dad has a friend in that publishing magazine company and ask my dad to let me in their mag. wow! I dont know how I got such ala model pose when I was a kid! Mom told me that know one taught me to do such poses and she even wonder how I develop that kind of camera portrait. Evertyme they will shot me a pic, automatically I always have a ready pose. Actually different pose. But unique and quite odd pose as for my age.

Even if i have a hectic schedule in my outdoor activities I still have time to my friends. Yes, I have "tropa" na! heheh! My childhood neighbor and even my classmates are my circle. I love to hangout with them in the playground. Hide and seek, patintero, Langit lupa, 10-20,tumbang preso, moro-moro, jolens, text, cards name it almost all kinds of game that even guys used to played. I remember one time when my mom got really mad at me and hit me because after dismissal in my kinder days, I didn't yet go home and it was already 6pm i am playing in the playground still wearing the uniform. I am too grubby and sweaty. Plus I haven't yet ate a meal-just to play. I cried not because she wants me to go home and my playtime ended, but I got mad at her to hit me in front of my playmates which is actually my classmates too. I cried until we reached home. Their are also some activities at school I participated like poster making where I won 1st place at the first time of experience, essay writing and at intrams I always join obstacle relay. Okay, one thing isn't all about me- SPORTS LOVER. I didn't like sports, or maybe sports doesn't like me. But I say to myself that one day I will try mountain climbing, scuba diving, wake boarding. The only sports I knew how to play, but Im not good at is: volleyball, bowling, badminton. That's it.

I do not have any idea about liking an opposite sex, or what we called "crush". Not until I reached the third garde. But that was too far off my story here. Altough I used to be closed with guy friends before and have a best guy friend that time. Even I was still an innocent girl I have this love team my parents used to teased around... duh. His name is Nonoy. Shucks totoy na totoy tlga! hahaha! (This was the time when we still live at manila). He was a chinito boy, quite cute though. But after leaving Manila I do not have any idea about how was him and what does he look like now. Though honestly too, I already forgot him and I d dint even have an effort to remember him. I dont even know his real name. I just remember his existence due to the pictures that we have in my photo album. Their are alot of pictures of ours. Like we are kissing in lips, holding hands and hugging! gosh! I cant even remember how I did that! maybe our parents taught us what to pose every time they will took us a pic. His parents and my parents are closed as a neighbor. When we move here in Laguna another so called boyfriend my parents used to pull again to me. His name is Arel. And later... on my 4th yr high school he became my classmate. He is so different now and I cant imagine his changes- why? Because now HE is a SHE! hahaha! My mom and his mom are co-workers and we are at the same village. We became close friend and I always play with him together with other kids. But that's just it. But still our parents took the opportunity of our innocents to play and pull us again by having pictures of us like lovers. Hay...

Now my mom told me and realized that no wonder how I became right now, and what I became now. The me when I was a kid was still "QUITE" me in the present. But of course sometimes things change, and need to be changed. As I grew up and I learn to know little by little the right and wrong, bad and good, if it makes the people happy or sad and mad, and make my own decisions, and to understand others then I realized that I am thankful to have a good parents like them who taught me and develop me in someone they wanted me to be me. Because those things really have a big help for me in terms of almost everything: not just about me, on what i want and have, but also sharing my life with other people as I go along with them. Right now I already started to make my own decision. I am somehow glad I have an understanding parents that are always there. Now I can say that I enjoyed those years that gone by as a kid. The little girl that i was before. Now I am not girl anymore, but sometimes the girl I was before is still in me. So I might as well say, maybe Im still that girl...


A little bit. ^_^