MY FIRST LOVE

The Alpha and Omega,

(an unsent letter)

MAYBE when we were kids I already spent time with you...

I remember the days when the first time I met you. It was like 5 years ago when I saw a mysterious guy who looks like a bad boy, doesn’t smile too much, looks suplado, long hair, and sexy thin but well damn good at playing his guitar that making me wants him more. I didn’t know what I felt that time. I can hardly explain it. All I know is that you caught my attention easily and I’m so interested about you. You look so familiar that I don't know why at the very first glimpse I was thinking and feeling different. I was thinking if I already saw you before or probably you are just some familiar face that I knew, or perhaps you ljust ook like somone I used to know. Still unexplainable but hidden under my shirt.

It was summer. I just came from a broken hearted and well... although I’m not wishing or even expecting for a relationship to come… It still about the summer plus being single that making me liking somebody…. and I saw you… and I don’t know at that very time why I like you. I feel like you have a connection to me. I feel like we’ve seen each other before. All I know is that I want to know you more. And just right this very moment Im writing this letter for you… I now know why and what’s the reasons behind my unexplainable feelings at our first met.



As we became friends though not that close… and as days pass by that I always saw you. My unexplainable feelings just grew and grew. I knew in myself that I’m crushing you. No-it’s more than that! I like you! I mean it in my heart. Although the only person knew about this thing is ME. That’s me when I like a guy so much. I kept it in myself. I just secretly like you. I just gaze on you from a far and surely you will not notice that you caught my attention because I can’t even stare at you. I just wait for you to invite me too in your heart.

Unfortunately the thing I don’t expect. That one night that I’ll never ever forget- An explosion of my heart that won’t stop bleeding.

Remember that night you played your guitar with me in the front of our house as we hangout there? You ask me to sing a song and you will play it for me. I chose “Baby Now that I Found you” by Allison Krauss. (That until now I don’t want to hear that song.) I was so happy that time. I feel like every time I get near you, it makes me know you more and like you more. I have that spark in my heart and I was so tense, excited, thrilled and full of butterfly in my stomach that I’m kinda like conscious on myself facing and talking to you. Of course since I don’t want you to notice my gushy feelings, I acted again and be a pretender. I let you see and feel that I’m just a common friend that gosh! I can’t expect behind the fact that I’m so overthrow from your spell I still managed to sing a song. (Which you didn’t know that the song lyrics are also dedicated for you...)

After that jamming we have, I entered inside my house leaving you a bit there. Because I can’t really hide enough my feelings of so kilig factor you gimme. Then right after looking at the mirror the news just explode to me. Hearing this news that gave me a slap on my face, “___ likes your best friend!” AS I THOUGHT: (OMG!!! I wanna cry, Im about to cry…. How could it be… why she? In all the girls in the world why my best friend!!!) But after hearing that to the person who told me I acted so like surprise and just like its nothing saying… “Oh really?!... well they look great anyways…____ is a good guy so I think he’s okay to my best friend” (Saying these words makes me want to swallow them again) Because the truth is I wanna say how “I LIKE YOU<> and I’M FALLING ALREADY FOR YOU” but you like my best friend so what should I do?

If you just only knew at that time what pain you gave me. If you just only knew how much I felt shame in myself, insecure, blown off and well…. dumped. After hearing that I go out and I don’t see you there anymore. I wanted to confirm the news, and as I talk with somebody even without mentioning the topic almost all of my friends say that and even the guys. (I can’t breathe that time you know. It’s very hard to pretend that I’m not affected and hurt every time I hear what they say.) To make the things worst, it’s my best friend that he likes and WTF! My best friend likes him too. Even she doesn’t say a word. She’s my best friend and I’m a girl too. When she knew about it, I see in her how much she likes him too.


As the days pass… you always go to her house. I always so the two of you talking… You were courting her already and she seems to like you so much. I am expecting for the possibilities of seeing you two happy. My best friend even says to me what are your texts to her, what you say to her. (I thought again: DAMN IT! I hate this feeling! How I wish I didn’t met you.. I didn’t talk to you…and I didn’t like you. I just came from hurt and now I’m here again at the worst situation.) The only good thing that I can say is that nobody knows that at those times. I have a feeling for you…

I know it’s hard to say this thing to you. It’s hard to tell you about this past. Even if I will tell you honestly about this now, I think it’s a good thing that my mysterious love for you in the past that lingers on to me now… is STILL UNREVEALED.

i get hurt...

but (ssshhhh....)
^_^

8 WORDS

THANK YOU!!!

These two words I know aren’t enough for all the things you two did for me. But I want you to know how much I appreciate all the wonderful things you two brought into my life. Well the truth is how you gave me life. All the love, care, support and understanding. All the forgiveness, cries and suffer you did just because of me. I know now why God chose you as my parent and how I’m so lucky to have you.


You grew me up full of blessings and overflowing love in this world. Mom, you carry me for nine months and dad, you took good care of mom and me as I’m inside her. You let me study in a good school even if the truth is you’re the best teacher in the world. You taught me ABC’s to 123, what’s good and bad to others, how I will take a bath, brush my teeth, take a poo by myself, comb my hair., how to walk and say my first word. You fetch me back and forth to school when I was a kid, prepare my food and clothes, bought me things I wanted, play with me, took care when I’m sick, nourish my learning by letting me study a lot of things aside from school, make a celebration bash for my birthdays, advised me the right thing to do, support on my activities and interests, understand my feelings, forgive me every time I did a mistake, talk to my teachers and principal when I get in to the school disciplinary office, surprises me a gifts or any stuff they knew I wanted, give me always time for my needs, let me have my own decisions in choosing my friends, careers to take, boyfriends and dreams in the future. All of these and not just these things are enough for me to say thank you. I know how you grew me as a sweet girl. Unfortunately as I grew up, I didn’t continue to be that way and become a bad girl… I gave you a lot of pains, sufferings, and I want to say how sorry I am to do all those kinds of shits. I might not showy and you two always think how much I careless on you. But the truth is it’s just quite harder for me to return the sweet girl you knew. It’s difficult to express how I appreciate you because I felt quite ashamed on what I’ve done and I didn’t know how to start it on the right track. To whatever bad words I thrown out to you please don’t believe me. To whatever countless actions I did that hurt you so bad, I’m so sorry and I didn’t mean to do that.

I hope in the near future I can do what you dreamt for me, being a successful woman and having a loving family of my own. If I will be a parent someday, you two may not be as cool as me… but I will definitely guide, love and care my child the way you raise me. You gave me everything more than just the richest in the world. That forever impact and completes me as a human being. One day, I will be what you want me to be. And when that day happens, Ill returns all the good things you’ve done to me. You care for me since I exist in your life and in this world and Ill do the same when you get old. I think it’s the only time I can repay all of the things I badly done on you and at the same time thank you for so much love you gave me. Yes! Two words ‘THANK YOU” isn’t enough. Because these 8 words I will say is more than that what it meant.

“I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH, MOM AND DAD”

FIGHTING TEMPTATIONS

i am enough with this..

these days pass were so cool that i don't intentionally want to disturb myself..

tough decoy eventually comes i must be stronger to what i keep holding on..for that someone who doesn't deserve to disappoint, hurt, and be down.

i don't mean to be offensive..

maybe sometimes some people we longed before.. whom we thought we already forgot or they're gone in our lives with unauthorized goodbyes are still attached with us.. unknowingly..

and when at abrupt times they show up to you.. everything left behind in the past recalls you..

suddenly you didn't notice that you were starting again to live and wanted to continue the disclosed history..

and worst you didn't even aware that your starting to ruin your present..

which shouldn't be.. and whom shouldn't be.


i was inspired by this quotation:

"Would you keep a chive on your tooth just because you enjoyed last night's potato?"
~From the television show Boston Common


for those who can relate with me:

love the one who loves you.
love the one whom with you now.. and be with you tomorrow..

FORGET THE PAST..LIVE TODAY and it will settle your TOMORROW!

PS:
The past is a good place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.


there are more inspiring excerpt wherein you will realize the existence of your present.

im guilt-free

happy

and contented! ;-)

--------------------------------------------
an excerpts:

With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future. I live now. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

One problem with gazing too frequently into the past is that we may turn around to find the future has run out on us. ~Michael Cibenko

Don't let the past steal your present. ~Cherralea Morgen

There is no distance on this earth as far away as yesterday. ~Robert Nathan, So Love Returns

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. ~Jan Glidewell

I have memories - but only a fool stores his past in the future. ~David Gerrold

I can't wait all my life
On a street of broken dreams. ~Journey, "It Could Have Been You"

No man is rich enough to buy back his past. ~Oscar Wilde

We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great. If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time. ~Art Buchwald

If you are still talking about what you did yesterday, you haven't done much today. ~Author Unknown

Don't let yesterday use up too much of today. ~Cherokee Indian Proverb

Living the past is a dull and lonely business; looking back strains the neck muscles, causing you to bump into people not going your way. ~Edna Ferber

I tell you the past is a bucket of ashes. ~Carl Sandburg, "Prairie," Complete Poems,

The past is never there when you try to go back. It exists, but only in memory. To pretend otherwise is to invite a mess. ~Chris Cobbs

Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. ~Euripides, Alexander

The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post. ~L. Thomas Holdcroft

The Past is the textbook of tyrants; the Future the Bible of the Free. Those who are solely governed by the Past stand like Lot's wife, crystallized in the act of looking backward, and forever incapable of looking before. ~Herman Melville, White Jacket

No yesterdays are ever wasted for those who give themselves to today. ~Brendan Francis

People are always asking about the good old days. I say, why don't you say the good now days? ~Robert M. Young

Having spent the better part of my life trying either to relive the past or experience the future before it arrives, I have come to believe that in between these two extremes is peace. ~Author Unknown

"Old times" never come back and I suppose it's just as well. What comes back is a new morning every day in the year, and that's better. ~George E. Woodberry

Opportunities fly by while we sit regretting the chances we have lost, and the happiness that comes to us we heed not, because of the happiness that is gone. ~Jerome K. Jerome, The Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow, 1889

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us. ~Alexander Graham Bell

You have to wake up a virgin each morning. ~Jean-Louis Barrault

We can easily manage if we will only take, each day, the burden appointed to it. But the load will be too heavy for us if we carry yesterday's burden over again today, and then add the burden of the morrow before we are required to bear it. ~John Newton

If you have one eye on yesterday, and one eye on tomorrow, you're going to be cockeyed today. ~Author Unknown

Nothing is worth more than this day. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Today is the greatest
Day I've ever known
Can't live for tomorrow,
Tomorrow's much too long.... ~Billy Corgan, "Today," Siamese Dream (Smashing Pumpkins), 1993

The living moment is everything. ~D.H. Lawrence

Rejoice in the things that are present; all else is beyond thee. ~Montaigne

Nothing ever gets anywhere. The earth keeps turning round and gets nowhere. The moment is the only thing that counts. ~Jean Cocteau, Professional Secrets, 1922

Let the credit card companies market as they will, the only thing that's priceless is Now. ~Caleb Baylor Hive, 2005

Eternity is not something that begins after you are dead. It is going on all the time. ~Charlotte Perkins Gilman

Forever is composed of nows. ~Emily Dickinson

Could we see when and where we are to meet again, we would be more tender when we bid our friends goodbye. ~Marie Louise De La Ramee

The other day a man asked me what I thought was the best time of life. "Why," I answered without a thought, "now." ~David Grayson

It is only possible to live happily-ever-after on a day-to-day basis. ~Margaret Bonnano

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present. ~Babatunde Olatunji

Trust no future, howe'er pleasant!
Let the dead past bury its dead!
Act, - act in the living Present!
Heart within and God o'erhead. ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Psalm of Life

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have realized that the past and future are real illusions, that they exist in the present, which is what there is and all there is. ~Alan Watts

It's not what if, it's what now. ~Author Unknown

Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return. ~Mary Jean Iron

We are always getting ready to live but never living. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Children have neither past nor future; they enjoy the present, which very few of us do. ~Jean de la Bruyere

If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is. ~Author Unknown

Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~James Thurber

We crucify ourselves between two thieves: regret for yesterday and fear of tomorrow. ~Fulton Oursler

Chasing the past, I stumbled into the future. ~T.A. Sachs

Seize from every moment its unique novelty, and do not prepare your joys. ~André Gide, Nourritures Terrestres

In today already walks tomorrow. ~Friedrich von Schiller

When I am anxious it is because I am living in the future. When I am depressed it is because I am living in the past. ~Author Unknown


MAY YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY READING THIS!

x.O

TO BE WITH YOU IN UTOPIA

the third poem i made for him