a CaFfeinatEd LiFe

Runaway Sequel Part 1

2008-10-18T06:03:00.000-07:00

“This is the third time that I have to do this. Leaving home isn’t that easy but sometimes I know my recklessness in having this decision is the easiest way. I honestly not sure what will be the outcome I might have tomorrow; all I know is that l can face every struggle when I’m with him.”

PART 1

The first time I runaway home was last year. It was the end of February of 2007. My parents really don’t want him for me. I was still studying that time and it’s very difficult for me to do it while all the time my heart and head aches thinking about how to win this game. So desperately, my parents decided to move in a quite far place where my boyfriend couldn’t find me. My dad even fetches me in going in and out the school. I don’t even have a cell phone and was totally grounded. In conclusion, I don’t have any freedom and all are set for restrictions. But sometimes parents are as stupid as what you might think; I was still studying so they didn’t know that my boyfriend who have a motor cycle that time still goes to my school just so we can see each other. Having this kind of situation is so nerve-racking that I must decide for two options: the fear of getting caught, and the fear of not seeing him anymore. Of course, I’m totally in love- that my parent doesn’t really understand. All I can do is be brave enough to face the consequences of my actions/decisions that just seeing him would make my day complete. If you remember my postings on “Memories of my Suffering” I know it’s quite confusing to understand - but all the things I written there only talks about when I was still burning in this fire.

Well, things come to worst scenario, I don’t want to entail every details. But the day came already when I cannot handle these things anymore. I should decide already for myself. I know I expect this already that in every battle there’s an end. But honestly the kind of battle I’m facing now doesn’t have a winning option. As if I was like to die or not to live. In this game I decided to leave my family. This decision is the hardest thing I’ve ever chose so far in my entire life. It’s not that I don’t love them- I really do, it’s just that when I lose the love of my life- I feel like there’s no more reason why I wanted to live, I will be so incomplete, and just thinking everyday waking up without him- feels like I’m slowly dying.
I live with them for about a month. Living with him and his family isn’t comfortable. Though yes, his family accepts and like me. They treat me special but of course, I still feel a bit awkward and uneasy in the new environment I am dealing with. All I need to do is just be helpful, patient and do at least simple things that I could return in their goodwill’s on me. I didn’t continue to take my finals in the school anymore. Nor I don’t have any money at all. I just stayed in the house with him. Living with him for a couple of week is such a happiest thing in my life. We were so in love with each other and we know it. It’s the happiest feeling in the world that before you shut your eyes to sleep you’re beside the man you love most, and tomorrow when you wake up he’s the first one your eyes will see. He’s now everything to me. I know. As days pass by, and as we live together we were now at level or stage of relationship when we were dealing more with our differences in our personalities. We were getting to know each others behavior than what we have known on each other before. I know there are some thing’s on me which he didn’t like and vice-versa, but acceptance and trust is a must so that we will not end up (especially me) falling from the peak of a mountain. We already experiencing not just a LQ (lovers quarrel) thing, but more so, like a husband and wife yelling and even hitting each other. Which shouldn't be. And that time I am staring to doubt and realized that the decision I made for myself was a stupidity. So long, my parents whom I know still loves me, look for me and they did talk to me and my bf. Apologizing on each parties as well as acceptance on things and mistakes done. I felt like swimming in cloud 9.. and its a start of a new life for me. BUT I WAS WRONG.

A lil thought

2008-10-15T18:31:00.000-07:00

hate that i love you

2008-10-12T11:17:00.000-07:00

"i hate the fact that i could never hate you... and the fact that i could always love you no matter what you put me through..."

MY FIRST LOVE

2008-09-15T13:58:00.000-07:00

The Alpha and Omega,

(an unsent letter)

MAYBE when we were kids I already spent time with you...

I remember the days when the first time I met you. It was like 5 years ago when I saw a mysterious guy who looks like a bad boy, doesn’t smile too much, looks suplado, long hair, and sexy thin but well damn good at playing his guitar that making me wants him more. I didn’t know what I felt that time. I can hardly explain it. All I know is that you caught my attention easily and I’m so interested about you. You look so familiar that I don't know why at the very first glimpse I was thinking and feeling different. I was thinking if I already saw you before or probably you are just some familiar face that I knew, or perhaps you ljust ook like somone I used to know. Still unexplainable but hidden under my shirt.

It was summer. I just came from a broken hearted and well... although I’m not wishing or even expecting for a relationship to come… It still about the summer plus being single that making me liking somebody…. and I saw you… and I don’t know at that very time why I like you. I feel like you have a connection to me. I feel like we’ve seen each other before. All I know is that I want to know you more. And just right this very moment Im writing this letter for you… I now know why and what’s the reasons behind my unexplainable feelings at our first met.

As we became friends though not that close… and as days pass by that I always saw you. My unexplainable feelings just grew and grew. I knew in myself that I’m crushing you. No-it’s more than that! I like you! I mean it in my heart. Although the only person knew about this thing is ME. That’s me when I like a guy so much. I kept it in myself. I just secretly like you. I just gaze on you from a far and surely you will not notice that you caught my attention because I can’t even stare at you. I just wait for you to invite me too in your heart.

Unfortunately the thing I don’t expect. That one night that I’ll never ever forget- An explosion of my heart that won’t stop bleeding.

Remember that night you played your guitar with me in the front of our house as we hangout there? You ask me to sing a song and you will play it for me. I chose “Baby Now that I Found you” by Allison Krauss. (That until now I don’t want to hear that song.) I was so happy that time. I feel like every time I get near you, it makes me know you more and like you more. I have that spark in my heart and I was so tense, excited, thrilled and full of butterfly in my stomach that I’m kinda like conscious on myself facing and talking to you. Of course since I don’t want you to notice my gushy feelings, I acted again and be a pretender. I let you see and feel that I’m just a common friend that gosh! I can’t expect behind the fact that I’m so overthrow from your spell I still managed to sing a song. (Which you didn’t know that the song lyrics are also dedicated for you...)

After that jamming we have, I entered inside my house leaving you a bit there. Because I can’t really hide enough my feelings of so kilig factor you gimme. Then right after looking at the mirror the news just explode to me. Hearing this news that gave me a slap on my face, “___ likes your best friend!” AS I THOUGHT: (OMG!!! I wanna cry, Im about to cry…. How could it be… why she? In all the girls in the world why my best friend!!!) But after hearing that to the person who told me I acted so like surprise and just like its nothing saying… “Oh really?!... well they look great anyways…____ is a good guy so I think he’s okay to my best friend” (Saying these words makes me want to swallow them again) Because the truth is I wanna say how “I LIKE YOU<> and I’M FALLING ALREADY FOR YOU” but you like my best friend so what should I do?

If you just only knew at that time what pain you gave me. If you just only knew how much I felt shame in myself, insecure, blown off and well…. dumped. After hearing that I go out and I don’t see you there anymore. I wanted to confirm the news, and as I talk with somebody even without mentioning the topic almost all of my friends say that and even the guys. (I can’t breathe that time you know. It’s very hard to pretend that I’m not affected and hurt every time I hear what they say.) To make the things worst, it’s my best friend that he likes and WTF! My best friend likes him too. Even she doesn’t say a word. She’s my best friend and I’m a girl too. When she knew about it, I see in her how much she likes him too.

As the days pass… you always go to her house. I always so the two of you talking… You were courting her already and she seems to like you so much. I am expecting for the possibilities of seeing you two happy. My best friend even says to me what are your texts to her, what you say to her. (I thought again: DAMN IT! I hate this feeling! How I wish I didn’t met you.. I didn’t talk to you…and I didn’t like you. I just came from hurt and now I’m here again at the worst situation.) The only good thing that I can say is that nobody knows that at those times. I have a feeling for you…

I know it’s hard to say this thing to you. It’s hard to tell you about this past. Even if I will tell you honestly about this now, I think it’s a good thing that my mysterious love for you in the past that lingers on to me now… is STILL UNREVEALED.

i get hurt...

but (ssshhhh....)
^_^

8 WORDS

2008-09-05T13:34:00.000-07:00

THANK YOU!!!

These two words I know aren’t enough for all the things you two did for me. But I want you to know how much I appreciate all the wonderful things you two brought into my life. Well the truth is how you gave me life. All the love, care, support and understanding. All the forgiveness, cries and suffer you did just because of me. I know now why God chose you as my parent and how I’m so lucky to have you.

You grew me up full of blessings and overflowing love in this world. Mom, you carry me for nine months and dad, you took good care of mom and me as I’m inside her. You let me study in a good school even if the truth is you’re the best teacher in the world. You taught me ABC’s to 123, what’s good and bad to others, how I will take a bath, brush my teeth, take a poo by myself, comb my hair., how to walk and say my first word. You fetch me back and forth to school when I was a kid, prepare my food and clothes, bought me things I wanted, play with me, took care when I’m sick, nourish my learning by letting me study a lot of things aside from school, make a celebration bash for my birthdays, advised me the right thing to do, support on my activities and interests, understand my feelings, forgive me every time I did a mistake, talk to my teachers and principal when I get in to the school disciplinary office, surprises me a gifts or any stuff they knew I wanted, give me always time for my needs, let me have my own decisions in choosing my friends, careers to take, boyfriends and dreams in the future. All of these and not just these things are enough for me to say thank you. I know how you grew me as a sweet girl. Unfortunately as I grew up, I didn’t continue to be that way and become a bad girl… I gave you a lot of pains, sufferings, and I want to say how sorry I am to do all those kinds of shits. I might not showy and you two always think how much I careless on you. But the truth is it’s just quite harder for me to return the sweet girl you knew. It’s difficult to express how I appreciate you because I felt quite ashamed on what I’ve done and I didn’t know how to start it on the right track. To whatever bad words I thrown out to you please don’t believe me. To whatever countless actions I did that hurt you so bad, I’m so sorry and I didn’t mean to do that.

I hope in the near future I can do what you dreamt for me, being a successful woman and having a loving family of my own. If I will be a parent someday, you two may not be as cool as me… but I will definitely guide, love and care my child the way you raise me. You gave me everything more than just the richest in the world. That forever impact and completes me as a human being. One day, I will be what you want me to be. And when that day happens, Ill returns all the good things you’ve done to me. You care for me since I exist in your life and in this world and Ill do the same when you get old. I think it’s the only time I can repay all of the things I badly done on you and at the same time thank you for so much love you gave me. Yes! Two words ‘THANK YOU” isn’t enough. Because these 8 words I will say is more than that what it meant.

“I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH, MOM AND DAD”

FIGHTING TEMPTATIONS

2008-09-03T13:01:00.000-07:00

i am enough with this..

these days pass were so cool that i don't intentionally want to disturb myself..

tough decoy eventually comes i must be stronger to what i keep holding on..for that someone who doesn't deserve to disappoint, hurt, and be down.

i don't mean to be offensive..

maybe sometimes some people we longed before.. whom we thought we already forgot or they're gone in our lives with unauthorized goodbyes are still attached with us.. unknowingly..

and when at abrupt times they show up to you.. everything left behind in the past recalls you..

suddenly you didn't notice that you were starting again to live and wanted to continue the disclosed history..

and worst you didn't even aware that your starting to ruin your present..

which shouldn't be.. and whom shouldn't be.

i was inspired by this quotation:

"Would you keep a chive on your tooth just because you enjoyed last night's potato?"
~From the television show Boston Common

for those who can relate with me:

love the one who loves you.
love the one whom with you now.. and be with you tomorrow..

FORGET THE PAST..LIVE TODAY and it will settle your TOMORROW!

PS:
The past is a good place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.

there are more inspiring excerpt wherein you will realize the existence of your present.

im guilt-free

happy

and contented! ;-)

--------------------------------------------
an excerpts:

With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future. I live now. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

One problem with gazing too frequently into the past is that we may turn around to find the future has run out on us. ~Michael Cibenko

Don't let the past steal your present. ~Cherralea Morgen

There is no distance on this earth as far away as yesterday. ~Robert Nathan, So Love Returns

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. ~Jan Glidewell

I have memories - but only a fool stores his past in the future. ~David Gerrold

I can't wait all my life
On a street of broken dreams. ~Journey, "It Could Have Been You"

No man is rich enough to buy back his past. ~Oscar Wilde

We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great. If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time. ~Art Buchwald

If you are still talking about what you did yesterday, you haven't done much today. ~Author Unknown

Don't let yesterday use up too much of today. ~Cherokee Indian Proverb

Living the past is a dull and lonely business; looking back strains the neck muscles, causing you to bump into people not going your way. ~Edna Ferber

I tell you the past is a bucket of ashes. ~Carl Sandburg, "Prairie," Complete Poems,

The past is never there when you try to go back. It exists, but only in memory. To pretend otherwise is to invite a mess. ~Chris Cobbs

Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. ~Euripides, Alexander

The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post. ~L. Thomas Holdcroft

The Past is the textbook of tyrants; the Future the Bible of the Free. Those who are solely governed by the Past stand like Lot's wife, crystallized in the act of looking backward, and forever incapable of looking before. ~Herman Melville, White Jacket

No yesterdays are ever wasted for those who give themselves to today. ~Brendan Francis

People are always asking about the good old days. I say, why don't you say the good now days? ~Robert M. Young

Having spent the better part of my life trying either to relive the past or experience the future before it arrives, I have come to believe that in between these two extremes is peace. ~Author Unknown

"Old times" never come back and I suppose it's just as well. What comes back is a new morning every day in the year, and that's better. ~George E. Woodberry

Opportunities fly by while we sit regretting the chances we have lost, and the happiness that comes to us we heed not, because of the happiness that is gone. ~Jerome K. Jerome, The Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow, 1889

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us. ~Alexander Graham Bell

You have to wake up a virgin each morning. ~Jean-Louis Barrault

We can easily manage if we will only take, each day, the burden appointed to it. But the load will be too heavy for us if we carry yesterday's burden over again today, and then add the burden of the morrow before we are required to bear it. ~John Newton

If you have one eye on yesterday, and one eye on tomorrow, you're going to be cockeyed today. ~Author Unknown

Nothing is worth more than this day. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Today is the greatest
Day I've ever known
Can't live for tomorrow,
Tomorrow's much too long.... ~Billy Corgan, "Today," Siamese Dream (Smashing Pumpkins), 1993

The living moment is everything. ~D.H. Lawrence

Rejoice in the things that are present; all else is beyond thee. ~Montaigne

Nothing ever gets anywhere. The earth keeps turning round and gets nowhere. The moment is the only thing that counts. ~Jean Cocteau, Professional Secrets, 1922

Let the credit card companies market as they will, the only thing that's priceless is Now. ~Caleb Baylor Hive, 2005

Eternity is not something that begins after you are dead. It is going on all the time. ~Charlotte Perkins Gilman

Forever is composed of nows. ~Emily Dickinson

Could we see when and where we are to meet again, we would be more tender when we bid our friends goodbye. ~Marie Louise De La Ramee

The other day a man asked me what I thought was the best time of life. "Why," I answered without a thought, "now." ~David Grayson

It is only possible to live happily-ever-after on a day-to-day basis. ~Margaret Bonnano

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present. ~Babatunde Olatunji

Trust no future, howe'er pleasant!
Let the dead past bury its dead!
Act, - act in the living Present!
Heart within and God o'erhead. ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Psalm of Life

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have realized that the past and future are real illusions, that they exist in the present, which is what there is and all there is. ~Alan Watts

It's not what if, it's what now. ~Author Unknown

Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return. ~Mary Jean Iron

We are always getting ready to live but never living. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Children have neither past nor future; they enjoy the present, which very few of us do. ~Jean de la Bruyere

If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is. ~Author Unknown

Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~James Thurber

We crucify ourselves between two thieves: regret for yesterday and fear of tomorrow. ~Fulton Oursler

Chasing the past, I stumbled into the future. ~T.A. Sachs

Seize from every moment its unique novelty, and do not prepare your joys. ~André Gide, Nourritures Terrestres

In today already walks tomorrow. ~Friedrich von Schiller

When I am anxious it is because I am living in the future. When I am depressed it is because I am living in the past. ~Author Unknown

MAY YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY READING THIS!

x.O

TO BE WITH YOU IN UTOPIA

2008-09-02T14:41:00.000-07:00

the third poem i made for him

GUILT RIDDEN

2008-08-08T13:54:00.000-07:00

yesterday me and mom talk about some crazy things...

and of course, conversations go simultaneously smooth.. from one topic to another..

then she advise me some sort of things.. about relationship..and marriage.

actually me and mom are close enough to talk about everything.. even the sensitive and much personal things.

well, I appreciate her for all those things I heard.. She really got point , she's old, matured, and already passed this things that I've been right now..so far..

But while mom says those things..  I feel like I am upset or some weird dissatisfying feeling.

NO! i am not annoyed at her having those kind of discussions.. but i was into downcast hangdog! rar! guilty again! NO WAY! hay... but this time its a different kind of guiltiness..

i feel like a lil ashamed on me.. pretending to her the opposite of whatI really think and feel.

whispering to myself : "How I wish I didn't talk to you a while ago.."  (sigh!)- so that there will be an opened topic like this.

If you just see me right then.. you wouldn't even find any evidence of these  "feeling like guilty again"

I even laugh with her!

after a few minutes I said that I already want to take a snooze.

AT THE BED:

I lie awake and my fragment contemplation still bothers me...

I AM THINKING OF A WAY OR SOMETHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.

Its very difficult because I don't want to disappoint someone whom trusted me and hoping on what Ive compromise!

Its much harder because I also do wanted it too and I'm even the one who was excite about it!

actually, things Im trying to say here isn't the explicit of "ME and MAMITA's CONVERSATION"-that makes ME GUILT-RIDDEN HERE...

there was some part of what she told me about the blah stuff..
ahem! well.. for whoever reading this I know you are already confused on what i am talking about here..
anyways, going back to the same issue..

just please leave a comment on me..

in this bit of question..

"How do you know that HE/SHE was the ONE???

_______________________________________

But if I'm going to answer this..
SIMPLY>>>
When I already see myself growing OLD with HIM..

and honestly.. I do..

grr! my mom statements still recalls me.. and with an additional evoke of all NEGA NEGA NEGA things upon us..
hayyy-___________________________________

with another thought... (FOR A MOMENT)

sweet MOM-

it's my mom....

then its me.

PHILIPPINES VERSUS EMAXIMUS

2008-08-03T11:53:00.000-07:00

“REAL WRITERS are born not by skills, they born out of struggle, not by objectives nor by vision but by CAUSE.” – Christine aka Sophia Reed

The PHILIPPINES battling towards deprivation

Today, our country Philippines is facing a deep struggle towards every Filipino citizen, whether rich o poor, famous or ordinary masses, we all feel and affected in this. What I am trying to say is the economic condition we are facing today. The value of everything that a man needs rises and also affects even things that aren’t essential at all. The rice consumption declined that makes its prices to increased, oil prices hike into unstoppable arises of cost that leads the transportation’s fee to boost up. Thus, the constant changes of increasing amount of these necessities affects the whole market of products and services that a Filipino needs to avail in order to survive. I am just one person in the population of the Philippines, age of 19, not a journalist though I’m used in writing anything under the sun, don’t have enough time to listen and watch news or even read newspapers but I’m a Filipino and I am aware and need to be aware to this struggling phase of our nation. Although I can say, I am working in a US based company which my salary is a dollar rate price; (which we all know that the exchange rate of peso to dollar is quite bigger) it’s not a good excuse for me to be satisfied and contented because it is at is and I still live with my parents who are employees and they receive an income wage enough for our family to survive. So for who should be blame for all of this state of the nation’s emergency? Is it the government officials or is it every Filipino living in this country? I can say that it is actually BOTH. Well, we might have different opinions, but personally this is my own point of view. Government officials are our leaders in this country. Since they were our leaders, they have the privileged and power not just to set rules for the peaceful environment but to provide and set answers and solutions to every problems our country faces. But it is not what few of our government officials doing; they are using their powers and privileged to corrupt the money of the Filipinos. They are greedy, and instead of being a model to the society they are the ones who make hidden illicit agendas for their own sake. They are filthy rich and they are not satisfied. They set rules and make justice but what they are doing are unlawful and illegal. Aside from that, not to mention how they guarantee and secure the masses with different types of vows and assurances that the Filipinos will have a chance to develop and produce a progress which is actually, opposite from these given words are the results . They are a selfish fakes. On the other side, Filipinos also add these economic problems by being mentally engross in finding opportunities abroad instead of using their skills, capabilities and good records of educational background and professionalism in their own country. Although in the half, I couldn’t blame these people. They decided to sacrifice to leave their own families and struggling of hard work serving the foreigners because our own country have limited and low income rates, less benefits and opportunities compared to other countries. In short, this is what we called “brain drain” where the Filipino abilities and knowledge are used by other nation instead of serving where they came from. All of this is because of going back to the truth that the Philippine economic stability never rises, instead its declining for consistent years. Even our Presidents in our country changes over a period of time, still we are in deep predicament of facing these realities. Now can you visualize the Philippines after 10 years and more? How about if we will remove the gluttonous government officials? Are there any good changes that will happen in our country?

“I am silent because I have a lot to say, and I am smart not because I know it but because I understand.” – Christine aka Sophia Reed

From the Philippine economic stability to the catch 22 of Emaximus jungle mania (My reviews from the Jungle Mania Part 1 and 2 and a commentary article of the current situation and society I belong)

The VERSUS
Reading my statements in the Philippines deprivation I perceived some points on comparable and fraternal twins views of current situation in our country and in this jungle. Philippines and emax have a lot of similarities in terms of the current dilemma we are facing. Although not actually entire of it and the same-same picture, but enough to be alter compared. As what I’ve mention the Philippine government officials makes the illicit agendas of making the country worst and affect the Filipino citizen, well is actually quite the same here. Our leaders who should set as a good example are the ones who are unjustifiable and make an awful corruption and hidden deceitful agendas for their own sake. They are using their powers and privileged to corrupt the money of the employees. They are greedy and like the government officials in the Philippines they are a selfish fakes.

On the other hand, the basis isn’t just actually occurred in our officials but also in the employees itself. Just like the Filipino citizens who are being “Mentally engrossed of being brain drain” here is with different kind of blend of a brain crisis. This is what we call “crab Mentality”. Some people here are sucha damn user friendly, plastics and Yes! These people love to pull down other people just to get what they want to achieve or to reach their burning peak- whether because of their own sake or because they don’t like you. They harm other people just to satisfy their needs. Not to mention how they gossip mongering and worst is backstabbing each others. If I understand why Filipinos mentality was being drained... here I couldn’t find any understanding why they need to be such a crab. As for now I couldn’t have an exact question except for this thing. Who will wins against the analogous assertions and certainty’s between the Philippines and the emaximus? Who should be blame? AND who could make the two different worlds mention be a BETTER PLACE??

“The world is a dangerous place to live not because of evil people who destroy it but because of people who don't do nothing about it.
-Albert Einsteine

THE AFTER THREE DAYS

2008-07-09T19:27:00.000-07:00

Something Strange Something Beautiful

It was very difficult to fathom showing love and gaining love especially if you were in a relationship. I and my boyfriend have been already 2 years in an upside down relationship. I said upside down not because were complicated in a sense of having a confusion of ourselves and involving other parties, but because we love each other so much that we hurt each other in return. Have you ever encountered a love like this?

It is quite funny stupid thing that our cycle goes on and goes on. Sometimes its him, then the next time it me to be blame. Al tough I know that it is very normal in every relationship to have quarrels, getting hurt and misunderstandings. Without these things relationships are boring. Like a food without its spice. You know that spice are extra zest that even if you dont much like its flavor, you still excited and continue to savor its taste. After all, love without being hurt is not love at all.

However if there was an imbalance in the nature of relationship. Like a sick cycle carousel that has more madness than laughter's..Would you better jazz up the spice and embellish its taste?

THE SPICE

Before I was like searching for a thousand reasons why he hurt me. I am not deserving for such taken for granted and a not so good treatment being her girlfriend. I did everything just to prove him how much i loved him. I show my affection eagerly and did my best. He conquer my world and he became my everything. Worst is, I can say that I loved him much more than myself. But he was selfish, unfair, arrogant and I don't even know if he still loves me. He changed. I wonder why he changed because I change for the better. I chose to change because I like to change for him. I show how much I love him. I love him more. I gave him more.

Even every fight that we face, even if I'm the one who was really hurt and not to be blame, I am the one who manage to stay modesty and humility. The more I gave, the lesser he gaves. He never ever heard anything from me. He never ever heard any demands from me. He does to speak but closes his ears for me and still he continues what he does. I've been taken for granted. Ive been wounded and injured. I already cried for so many nights. Are there a third party? Does he already fall apart? Am i the one to blame, if it is so what did I done to him to punish me like this. These are everyday questions I ask in myself.

Just for us not to have fight I always shut up, try not to speak what I want to. After all, he will not listen to me. He wouldn't even give a damn try to listen to me. Or else, I am in discreet painful experience of fucking explosion of my fuse. The sobering continues.

THE HEART HAS A MIND OF ITS OWN.

I am so tired of everything. I said to myself. This is all enough. I couldn't take it anymore. I already gave him a chance and its up to him how he will prove me that he deserves it. I try to be happy despite the pain. I try to be a fighter and be brave for myself. I continue being numb and blind but not focusing on him anymore. I back off a bit. Give myself more time and love. Give some space for our own lives especially mine. That time I was so confuse If I already found the MR. Right of my life. If its him. Sometimes i even search for a lot of reason why a beautiful start of relationship will turn in this way. I know somehow I have faults. I am not perfect, and I am not looking for him to be perfect. Somethings are missing. I miss him so much. I miss the one Ive fallen so deeply in love with. And its not him now. I try to have self-importance just like what he did to me. This is not a revenge, but trying to change our routines and deficit my attention to other things was the only thing I think to cover up my pain, be away from hurt and try to patch up some changes that is missing.

THE COMEBACK

He notice all of my changes. He was thinking alot. He was wondering why I am in this way with him. I dont take him for granted but its just that I am such a fighter now. I dont let him hurt me. I dont let myself cry over infront of him. I proved and show to him that I love myself more than he. That if all else fails in our realtionship I still love him. BUt I love myself, I believe in myself.

Again we had an arguement. He waited for me for so long and I was too late to go home. He thought of alot of reasons why im late. He mistrust, thought alot of negative things why I was late, and dont understand my explanations.

He expects a lot from me. Maybe because he was used to it that I am such an avid saint to humble down for him. He doesn't listen- I dont care. Now I dont want to speak. He doesn't want my sorry-then fine I have nothing to do with it. He thought I will try to make my very best to be forgiven by him. But he unexpectedly got it wrong this time. I mention him and told him how much unfair he was and has no rights to give me such damn things he was blaming on me. I avoid him instead of pleasing him.

We got a big fight again in his room. But I show him that I am not too afected whatever the outcome of our fight.

12:00 am (SMS) - "Sana pinandigan mu nalang sorry mo at wala k ng mga sinabi. Nagtataka talaga ako bat ganyan k katigas. Geh salamat nlng sa lht. BYE"

reply1 : "Almu wag mu sabhing nagmamatigas ako.. sino b satin ang nagmamatigas kahit n walang gnwa saknyang ksalanan. May nalalaman k pang pgppalam' Kung di mo ko kailangan, mas di kita kailangan. Di yan ang __ na minahal ko. Geh bye"

reply2: "Kahit kelan wala kang pinasok sa mundo ko, unfair ka, malsarili, tamang hinala ka palagi, wala k tiwala, bnbalewala moko, may narinig kaba sakin ha? WALA! Tanungin mu nga muna sarili mo kung minahal mo bako bilang ako, kung bat muko mahal at kung tooto. Geh pagod nako. Nkkasawa n ang ganito"

1:30 AM (sms): "____ PUNTAHAN MOKO T_T"

2:00 The fight isnt over, still he was talking... but right now as if there was some guiltness and I felt his low tone of voice like he just came from crying. He ask alot of questions. I still act like confidently not affected and stick to what I am fighting for myself.

HE
HUG ME.

Then kiss.
Something is so strange instantly, but
something like this is beautiful

Its been a few days already since he change.
He return-the one I loved.

I hope it'll continue and his changes will never change again.

LESSON I LEARNED:

"How can others love you if you dont love yourself."
"Show importance first in yourself before you gain importance in others."
"Speak up for yourself and stick to what you believe"
" I cant live without him, but without him, I can still live"

Jungle Mania (PART 2)

2008-07-06T20:41:00.000-07:00

JUNGLE MANIA PART 2

If you havent read my 1st testimony in JUNGLE MANIA (the part 1), You better read it. Especially if you were part of this Holy Shit ecosystem. As what I remember I indicated there and I am hoping that the list of BEAST AMIDST THE JUNGLE will just be it. No more additional BEAST please! Unfortunately, roaming around and changing my biological clock part of this jungle leaves me to another ALERTNESS because I didn't expect that there are other discreet MONSTERS in this burning hell. OMG! Since I was a kid, based on the stories of either urban legends, or fantasies I heard...and even in realities BEAST, MONSTERS, BAD/EVIL SPIRITs, DEVILS, WITCHes, FIEND, LUCIFERS, IMP, GOBLINS, VAMPIRES, ALIENS, PREDATORS, etcetera, etcetera..shows up only at night. BUT since this is an UNBLESSED Jungle... It was quite a surprise and need to be expected that they also shows even if the sun shines above. Great! How marvelous it is that we cautious human are surrounded by these creatures.

Scroll down and scroll down until you gonna reach the bottom of this page.

Recall the list of these BEAST REGIME of my JUNGLE MANIA (part1).

(You'r done ayt?)

So what's new?

Here it is. First I would like to thank my lovely fellow human being that they are at least aware of this morning spell casted by the enormous tyrant creatures. I always hear their assertion about some certain matters that lead me as a writer and fellow friend/observer/victim to be inspired again as ala Dr. Jose Rizal rebellion.

1. NEVER THEY WILL ROT:

I will start first by the flick MEAN WITCHES..oh Im sorry its MEAN GIRLS NGA PLA. ahem!
Have you ever watch MEAN GIRLS starring Lindsay Lohan? Where Lindsay met and became friend with these three chicks in their school who are the so called "PLASTICS". Well it is actually one of my favorite movies. However movies like that sometimes might turn into realities, altough with diferent kind of blend, twist and scenario. In this jungle we have these fellow plastics! Its just that do not exactly know who is the QUEEN BEE. But whoever it is, she needs to check up already because her honey taste like her own sweat. EEW!ASIM!

I always wonder when does God created this man-made-synthetics. Oops! I forgot they are not human nga pla! HAHAH! I mentioned already (JUNGLE MANIA1) this syntethics but I cant blame myself to modify them once more because they're unstoppable and their population intensifies in this jungle. It is very difficult to live your life surrounding with these people. You will really never know who are them specifically because their artificial "oh-so-good-fella" to you are just frontage and it'll be like a BIG surprise to you when they unexpectedly already do their shitty things. GOddamn this people are so non-biodegardable. When they will die no bacterias will even wanted their buried cadaver.

2. CHUCHU:

(i like their so called term... i remember my dog who died because of being an avid and loyal guard of our house.)

WATCHDOG. Have you already encountered this kind of creatures. They are not detectives, and hell no rights to spy you under surveillance. Sometimes they are spying you unnoticeably. They keep an eye on you so much that when they don't see you, gosh they are like crazy to find you and even ask other people just looking for you. They are like checking all your moves. What you do, where you go, when to go.. HELL YOU GO! They driving me nuts because there's alot of reasons running on my mind why they do such act.

FIRST- be FAIR! did you ever try to see others?
SECOND- watch also for yourself
THIRD- im not under you, nor other person you tried to scrutinize
FOURTH- we are not in classroom, and i dont need to ask permission.."Maam pwede pong mag cr?" dont act like a SOMEBODY.

3. SPEAKING OF UNFAIR:

Disgusting but this speaks not just by looking at others but also looking at yourself. Let's first talk about LOOKING AT OTHERS.

There are alot of unfair people. They try to shit you and just only you. See how wretched you are if they are your victim! This actually correlates my number 2. If they got an eye on you. Bull's eye baby! You have nothing to do. Even if your not alone and the only one that must recieve their prejudice, you cant do anything for their attention on you because they are UNFAIR nga diba-BWISIT TALAGA!. They will just continue that. You see these people act like SOMEONE for those that they can do that only. Usually their targets are mostly under their age, less positioned, shorter duration in the jungle and those who doesn't even care a single amount for them. Then there they are who cares for you alot in a bullshit way. How touching! How biased!

Why try to look at for yourself first. Before you criticize, and unmerited a bigotic assertion to others and ask if you also do those things on yourself. Hello? Thank you for calling! How may Ihelp you? Have a nice day! Come on! Hahaha!

4. A GOOD LEADER IS A GOOD FOLLOWER

FUNNY MEMORANDUM
1 hour late= absent
3 days absent in a month= Byebye

why funny? This is the only jungle i known to have a stupid rules. Imagine, 1 hour late, they wouldn't allow you anymore to enter the hell. (Well as if you really want to be surrounded with these beast). And second 3 absences in a month your FIRED. (Whatever the case is) (Haller, we are already burning here physically and socially).

But since rules are rules. If you do not want it, then just go. We already signed in it. So.. okay fine. WE have nothing to do on it but just F-O-L-L-O-W.

But the thing is not about the difficulty in following this stupid rule. But the bias that exist in this orders. They chose whom they want to notice and memo whoever disobey this. Which actually the truth is, those seniors who supposedly are leaders doesn't even obey their own heck of rules. And much more they didn't give any damn thing of noticing their closed friends or those seniors.

-to be continue-

THATS IT JUNGLE POEPLE...

i am expecting now for my part 3.
Gimme more beast!
Gimme more!

NOTE: Sorry for the terms. I know I am sarcastic but this are so suitable for them. I dont care! :-)

Leaves Keep On Falling From Trees

2008-07-02T20:35:00.000-07:00

LEAVES KEEP ON FALLING FROM TREES

It was late in the afternoon, perhaps around 5pm when I bum in the terrace of our house and just had an eargasmic listening to some slow rock music. I was alone that time..drinking hot coffee, and a puff of my cigarette with a sound trip was the best ON-MY-OWN relaxation I ever had (that I keep on doing for about 3years already). Then as I was just feel the sudden changes of the weather from extreme hotness to a cold breeze (cause its going to rain later), I felt the wind came rushing by as our curtains dances concurrently with the wind. Then I take a glimpse on the outside mango tree beside our house. It was actually owned by our neighbor. Since the day we moved in our house, that mango tree was already there. And I don't know how long it'll able to live for further more years. I remember how the typhoon Milenyo causes drastic destruction, not just in the Philippines but also in the mango tree.. who struggles, damage and injured. There's a big changes on that tree right now. It looks weak, but through its battle.. it stand still and bears its fruit. Then I realized how many times it broke its branches, how many times it bears a lovely heart-shaped fruit, that when it is too ripe it will just fell or had been got by some people who liked and admire its taste. And I also think how many leaves already fell in that tree, since the day it was born. Who will be admire for some leaves? Who will try to get some leaves? I dont think so. I dont think so that people will get its leaves.

As what I remember in my Botany subject leaves of a plant helps in Photosynthesis process which will able to bear a fruit of a plant. Leaves contain chlorophyll which is the green pigment of the leaves where also serves as its glucose. However the only thing that I think man needs from a plant leaves is the oxygen it exhales. The exchange of gasses of plants and animals which we call respiration is important for the Photosynthesis. Therfore, like us human as we need our nose and mouth to breath, indeed like the TREE LEAVES. (Dont forget that trees and plants are still LIVING THINGS)

Leaves.

LEAVES.

It falls suddenly. It just drop accidentally or just give up. It will just be gone without notice or when it will let go from its branches.. the TREE will feel the sluggish hurt of leave's goodbye. It knows it will be gone on it forever. Never to return back again. Never to be with it again. There are alot of leaves in a tree, but ONE LEAF is a big part of a tree's breath. The mango tree and even any other trees out there do not know WHY LEAVES LEAVE them?

Like sometimes in people too.

If you already experience a big loss of someone you truly loved, and you knew that they will never ever come back to you... I know you understand what Im trying to say. Especially if that person means alot to you, if that person was your breathe. And you will realized you lose a part of yourself. and IT really HURTS.

Why there are people so dear to us, leave us unexpectedly? suddenly? or if we knew that they will give up or let go or move so far away on us we really feel the hurt. We will start a big battle of being left. It is very painful because we know that these people gone in our lives will never to be seen again, never to show how much we care and love for them again. No more chances. No more waits and hopes and dreams. Every now and then I do not know how many people in the world being left felt this in every 60 seconds. Whether its a death, giving up and letting go.. it is only one thing- its all about being LEFT by the one we loved- the most painful experience a human can ever face.

BUT WE SHOULD BE LIKE A TREE... even its struggle continues, it doesn't stop to survive. Trees are still strong just like that mango tree I was looking on that time. We should moved on and be eager to go further. We should stand still and bear more victories in our lives. Breathe---cause we want to live for the future. Past is a good place to visit, but we dont want to live there. Every memories that those people who live us remain in us, all we gotta do is just cherish and treasure it. Atleast we experience to have (even for a short of time) those wonderful people. We shared our life with them and we loved them. Just imagine how billions of people here in earth are and then you met someone that is one of the greatest creature that God made. You are too lucky. We are lucky.

Right now, I do not have any guiltness on what Im doing. All matters in love I think its all RIGHT. Because its the greatest gift God gave us. The greatest feeling in the world. I realized how much I need to show how much I cared and love the people I loved. Do not take them for granted. Dont be afraid to show what you feel. Time is the only thing that understand how great love is. And since we still have time and more times to come being with the one we loved. SAY IT. SHOW IT and DO IT. Atleast even if they'll be gone (someday perhaps, we dont know.. we can never tell) we leaved them all happiness we can share. No wonder wherever they are, even if its too far away, what they will remember is every smile and laughters that we gave to them. Cause we'll never know when will God might take them away or them to be away from us. Like LEAVES KEEP ON FALLING FROM TREES.

_iamchristine_

a tribute for those who leaved...

and for the people i loved...

"Thank you for everything, I am the luckiest person in earth having all of you. And despite of my imperfections I want all of you to know how I LOVED YOU's..."

Memories of My Suffering

2008-06-13T20:02:00.000-07:00

One morning, I realized the feeling of losing my grip. As if I was alone and the feeling of emptiness was there. I wanted to shout to the whole world, but I guess no one can ever understand and even listen to me. Except these three persons. Me, myself and I. Why is it that It was always we lose something everytime we chose something?? Is it called a sacrifice thing? or is it really the worth of everything?? -is to lose something. And then, because of this fact.. I'm nothing now..and I feel nothing.. And yeah.. I still survive, still living, still breathing.. but that was the damn thing I'm talking about!!! A life wothout a reason, living a life with emptiness. Its not that I wanted a perfect life.. Its not that I'm too much demanding about the life I wanted. Rather its a life without the ME! The me, the girl I am, the woman I am, the person I wanted to be, the feeling that I wanna feel, the words I wanna say, the actions I wanna do. I'm losing a freedom, and I felt like its forever jail that nobody can bailed me out.. except for the evrything that I've lose.
Sometimes I even ask myself why does it happen to me? why me? why do I feel this way? are all of these are worthy enough to save my manhood future? are all these things just a trials that test me?am i the most unfortunate person in the earth? is these my destiny?am i happy with eveything I had now which is really NOTHING!WORTHLESS!PAINFUL SACRIFICE!
Gosh! the hell I'm talking about right? I'm so freaking today and I just really dunnow what to do.. Is there someone whom can help me, not only listening to me? but Someone who can understand me, and most of all can feel me even without the fact of my emotions? wAAh!! i wanna die.. I felt like there will be no tommorrow for me,these is forever storm. these things happen are killing me softly.. and I can tell you.. I wanna give up and escape these fate. My Last day is soon... I hOpe they knew. I Hope i knew when would it be.I don't believe anymore in rainbows.. and guess what.. i dunnow how to trust and how to handle this faith falling in my hands.

But before anything else I wanna thank these people im talking about for everything that they have done.. huh?!! are they happy knowing that they're killing me softly! Well, I do hate them! Its hard to forgive people with their narrow mind! I hate them! and i really do.. Imagine I'm pretending all of these days in this fucking hell as I get along with them. they knew it., And theyr'e good at it! how could they be like that kind of creatures! This hell really burningl! I wish I wasn't born, I didn't came out and exist in this planet knowing that this would be my fate.

Amigas El Emax

2008-06-12T20:13:00.000-07:00

AMIGAS EL EMAX
A tribute for my beautiful girlfriends

"With them, I found another sister"
- Author

Bebe, Mommy, Ate, Bakla- Names we usually call each others aside from our US names.

Today, you will hear from me my testimonies. (Parang friendster lang noh) hahaha!

But before anything else, let me introduce you first our lady marmalades.

-Marthina Williams of Resume Sales -Khate Brown of Web Project Pusher -Shane West of Web Project Pusher -Sally Carlson former co-grant writer -Patricia Rhodes of REsume Writing

These girls have different personalities, charm and connection in me. But one thing for sure...they are all good and worthy fellas. I love them all. :-) (no matter what happens ^_^)

THE FIRST IMPRESSION:

1.Marthina Williams- I met her during a yoci break. The windows of HEAVENS room are still opened that time and then there I knew she was a new one. I ask for her name and her position. Honestly, she looks like suplada, but even if so.. I dont understand why I feel like I might have click with this girl soon. I also thought she was a discreet woman who loves to eat jjamppong using her chopsticks from chowkin. hahaha! Plus, that she was a single girl that might as well just graduated without any kids.

2. Khate Brown- At first, I don’t notice her existence. I mean yah she's a new trainee of Sir *#$ but just as what I thought I didn't expect that we will be this closer right now. She was a simple and well for my impression kinda introvert and a workaholic that I guess she will be just a plain co-worker for me. The kind of officemate that I will just pass by and greet whenever we cross each others or someone not belong on my clique. Then later on, I began to like her every time she greets me with a smile and even noticed my hair. hahha! I remember that!
3. Shane West- I dont know how it all started that I became close to her. She was a normal aura to me. I started noticing her when Martina, who actually my closed friend already also became closed to her. We started by sorta greeting and some silly conversation, then that's it. But before that happens I admit that she was kind of a deep girl that I don’t have any idea if she's for a friend or just nobody. Though I notice her kakiyan too and her cute charm.

4. Sally Carlson- I didn’t expect that she will be come one of my closes here. At first, I really don’t like the way she looks at me. The first meeting. You know what’s the feeling of someone who gaze at you with a meaning.. however since we became seatmates and I started to train her, I also started to like her. She’s open and taught me some useful applications in friendster. Heehe! Gosh I miss her na. I always admire her long hair. (cause it makes me miss my long hair too and get mad with my own crown.)

5. Patricia Rhodes- She was a serious, silent, kinda recluse girl that I never thought to be close of. I know she’s a good person but then there are some assertions of negative things on her..AT FIRST. Maybe because of her being an EMO. But then as she already join our group every midnight break and I started to have talk with her I always hear her some compliments and it makes me flatter all the time. Hihi!

These venuses despite of differences still leads me for them to be my friends. Its not actually about them, but its me who liked them and knew that I can built friendship with them thru thick and thin, thru closeness and distance.

I will never forget these new girlfriends I found. All of our bonding moments and every single moments: chikahan, tsimisan, crayola, love life, sex life, aura-aura, fashion and make-up, craziness, bitchiness, naughtiness, ka baklaan, gimik, confrontations, laughters, autobiography, assertions around the mania, sound trip, about guy talks, pictures, utangan, diet, glutathione, assets (boobs and butts), prospects, magazines, green talks, bad trip, food trips, videokes, our crowning glory, tops, undies, shorts and jeans, techie things, nail polish, chatmates, exes, husbands, kids, advises, comments and opinions, friendsters, yoci break, sleeping, stupid clients, busy work, shifting schedules, opening problems and everything under the sun.
“Whenever I accept friends, I learned to love them, and that love will grow until it reaches forever”.
- Author

Sometimes there are some WRONG IMPRESSIONS…

And the closer we gets, the more I get to know…

FACTS:

Ma, Christina Zapanta
- I didn’t expect that this tokayo of mine already have 2 sons. With that physical and social attributes I was surprise…
- Her suplada looks isn’t about pagtataray and snob type but its all about her being an authentic fighter and a strong woman.
- A bona fide BAKLA hahha! Gosh I don’t expect that we will really click. We had a lot of similarities especially in kakiyan.
- She like my butt daw! HAaha!
- Outspoken, Boisterous, easy heart melted, GENUINE, with OKRAY power, trust worthy, party girl, and with some punch lines that will kick the asses of her pinpoints.
- I f I do concerts while taking a bath, this time its different. This Christine uses her bathroom as an instant aerobics area. Hahah!
- She has a lot of changes (physically) from the first time I met her and the present time.
Hair: simple cut, color black NOW; sometimes curls + brownish red + headbands.
Face: hahah! My trend of eyeliner thang!+ warts make under + wooo MASCARA.
Body: More conscious: gluthathione, body scrubs, Dianne, whitening lotion and soap, Quaker oats, what else? Name it. Heheh!
- But this own cognizant are just like ME. Hehe! Nahawaan ko na ata siya! Haha!
- Praning pag dating kay ethan. HAHA! And the reason of her instant determinations to make over is because of this guy.
Myrene Ampeloquio
- Another momma that I didn’t expect. Aww..
- She’s responsible towards work, hardworking but sometimes she became quiet.
- My Mommy here.. and who’s the daddy?? Hahahh! Alam na!
- Wow boobs! Heheh
- Simple girl, Indian look and bagong hairstyle hhaha!
- Another easy heart melted.
- Sometimes she’s opinionated, easy to conclude and observant.
- With a terrible memoirs. (sad)
- We have similarities in liking guys who are: suplado, mysterious, and silent type.
- Quite emotional, turning to aloof and sometimes unpredictable.
- Julie tearjerky.

Bel Romero
- Simple girl and loves colorful outfits. Not to mention: PANTS hehe
- Apple of the eye in the office. Charming, and with a sweet sixteen aura. Oi, 19 n rin yan! hehe
- Sometimes she’s also opinionated and easy to conclude.
- When at bad mood and mad times you can easily notice that her eyebrows meet each other.
- Another tearjerker di lang halata.
- We have same taste in guys’ appearance: Chinito looks, long back cool hair, and with a slender body. Plus, the strong appeal.
- Loves ni %@$o* hahha!
- When she will explain her side you will notice how well she reacts.
Princess Pelon
- I was quite surprise knowing that she was elder than me.
- Plus, another surprise knowing the fact that she and Richard Davis (former techie) are siblings.
- These two siblings have a cutie sibling rivalry at times and you will notice how this princess acts dominantly to his brother, and the enmity never ends.
- One of another genuine person I know.
- I like it when I hear some compliments to her. Though she’s not directing it to her point but I’ll just kinda flatter the same way it goes.
- She’s a fan reader of my blog and write-up’s.
- We were opposite in terms of:
MONEY: I am spender, She was a saver.
STRUTS: I am modish laidback and she was a simple laidback.
SUBJECT: I am for English, She was for Math.
STUDY HABITS: Not so focused, but just go with the flow and enjoy, and she was the determine one plus a good daughter.
-GUDLUCK GIRL-
- As I notice mentioning above differences I was the one who’s shaming here, but the despite it where friends.
- EMO desktop, imikimi’s, friendster lay-outs. Heheh!
- I recommend her to listen “take a bow” of Rihanna and Voila!- na adik siya. Heheh!

Jennifer
- She has a gloomy love life, causes that tends her to be emotional.
- A frigid woman, idealistic and passionate.
- Hard working mother and I admire her for being so.
- I understand her so much. Its not because I am pity for her, but I know what it feels and its just that I want her to be stronger. So whenever chances come I don’t doubt to give in some moral support.
- She compliments me directly and I admit that was kinda flattering.
- HUMBLE, modest, has a subterranean nature and always have a good heart.

That’s all my fellow amigas… Hope nothing will change. Because I can see that these different girlfriends I have are the ones who are worth to keep.
“I look for a friend and found none. I became a friend, and friends are everywhere”.
-Author

PurpoSe of Life :-)

2008-06-11T19:55:00.000-07:00

What is the best way of living your life in the world?

This is what our mass communication professor Mrs. Donna ask us in an impromptu recitation. It wasn't yet 5 minutes after I sat on my seat when this strict but damn so smart teacher ask us to do. A graded recitation just right after an attendance check; and after a 2 days of meeting with her.

What is the best way of living your life in the world?

She just want to see and knew how many of us can:
a. have a good communcation skills
b. can deliver good speech
c. has a wide knowledge and idea of our own perceptions

She gave us 3 minutes to think about it and she even told us that we dont need to wrote it down because we dont need to read our answers in front of the classroom.

Terrific!

At that time i was busy chit-chatting with my classmate as we missed each other so much. I thought to myself that it first it was not a graded recitation and second she just need our own views. We all have different opinions and own perceptions so there will be no wrong answers.

I just thought about it when the roll call starts. And it was alphabetically. Too bad i was the 6th one.

I dont quite remember what are the full details of my speech. But here it goes. I sorta expedite it and speech infront of my classmates and Mam Donna is good enough. (out of my quite nervousness and marathon of my brain- for more opinions i could say) Well that was what she say.

What is the best way of living
your life in our world?

We are here in earth for just a little while so we must live each day of our lives as if it was the last. Living in this world is such a blessing and there are many ways to live in the fullest. We have the freedom to choose what could make us happy and the independence on what life we want to have.

By being a better person to others, I'm starting myself to have the best way in living. And it would only be possible if I will live my life with a purpose. Living a life with a purpose doesn’t only serves as an aim but with this, I'm starting to LIVE and be ALIVE. Purpose comes with reasons why we want to live this life. Maybe I didn't yet discover it, but at some point I have reasons why I want to live. There are some people who inspire me to become a better one and show me what my own life purpose is. Doing good to others, make people happy, share my blessings, obey the rules and laws, doing what's right and be contented and enjoy my life are other ways living this life at my best.

All of us have one thing good at; with this I also bless the world with one thing good in me. Yes, I'm not expert in everything because I'm only human, but being an expert in one thing and offer it to the world would make my life with sense. Living our lives in the best would make this world a better place to live in.

Dont think that this is the EXACT details and delivery I recite, I quite edited but I dont miss an informations there. Just sharing my toughts. But I think this is what life all about.

The Sun Doesnt Know That It Was A Star

2008-06-07T19:37:00.000-07:00

(the 3rd poem I made for him)

The stars strike magnificent at night, Just looking at it makes me feel so right, As the crack of dawn makes its way, Stars gone astray, anticipation fades away.

I just kept a look beneath the sunrise sky, Felt a cloud nine as my hope come to life. The sun too exquisite among the entire stars at night, I was astonish by its presence just nearby.

At last the sun showed up to me. The sunrise like paradise It might don't know how I waited for it. It might don't know how I longed for it.
The warmth of the sun touches my heart, It cast away my fears, my tears, and my scars. Another beginning for me to start, Ang give me the strength to love again.

It imparts its life. The courage for me to move and be alive, Its glow that radiates my soul, Shows me to believe and have faithfulness.
I know that the sun appears only at daylight. The time for happiness, a time of delight, It might don't know how much I value it, It might don't know how I appreciate it.

The days end as the sun came down. But it committed itself even without its presence. Despite the darkness and the cold I feel, It still shines and gives me light.

Maybe the sun doesn't know that it was a star. Obscured it may seen. But still I know that the ghost of the sun, A star in a tranquility of dark.

Exhilaration of the SUN remains in me Even at night. You shine brighter than anyone does.

I LOVE YOU.........

The Girl In Me

2008-06-04T20:07:00.000-07:00

When I was a lil kid my mom told me that i was a very naughty, clumsy, but talented and smart girl. I am impish to the point that I even crawl up to stairs carelessly that I tumble so many times. I even play munggo seeds then put it inside my nostrils. Gosh! what a kid! I was ran into the hospital when that happen. I also play with electrical plugs and it was countless times I experienced grounded. Then there was this one time when my nanny was ironing clothes, I went over to what she was doing when she was back off. Perhaps due to my playful curiosity, I thought that iron was a new stuff to play. Oh-my-god! My very first burn! That memory will never be forgotten, I got a mark forever in my behind arms. It was a big remembrance of my carelessness placed above my elbows. From then on, I was afraid to hold that stupid man-made creation. And even right now at my age, I still dont know how to use it well. That thing lead me to some sorta "__burnphobia'. Also I remember how I love to draw at the wall of our house, but not at this time where my mom got mad at me. I used not crayons but pentel pens and drew a BIG portrait of an aquarium filled with fishes of different types. I didn't remember how I got that idea.. maybe because i was watching lil mermaid that time. HEhe:-) But in fairness in the age of 4, I can say that i have a talent in drawing. HAhAa! every time I remember how I drew that big fishes I am really laughing-because mom can't erase those non-living marine animals. Until we moved out here in Laguna we leave the old apartment with fishes on the wall. Another one is I liked to fool around my dad's big chest. What i will do is pinch his tits from time to time then I love it when I will seat on his feet as he was lying crunched and then he will stretch my arms like I was a flying girl then swing it. Well, I admit I am a daddy's girl before. -not now. But I know that despite of my rebellious act my dad still loves me so much and I was still his lil girl. Oh i forgot to tell you, supposedly I should have an elder sister, but mom miscarriage her so I became the first born and the eldest of my siblings. But after my birth it was a couple of years before my brother came out in the world. I can say that at the time that I was their only child,... im an ultimate spoiled brat!

Mama and Papa loves to bring me at malls. Almost everyday I have new dresses, shades, shoes, blings. Name it. That time since my parents had only me and my brother, my parents still have a well-off and prosperous life. I have a lot of pictures in my photo album where almost 1/2 of my "solo"-toddler-to-childhood-existence is in different places. Though some of them are with my brother. That time my utmost rascal as a kid still shines. Hehe! So here it goes: While I was growing and being a spoiled brat kid, I got what i want instantly. I will just simply blurb to my papa and yahoo got it! My brother's birth brings me happiness because I will have an ultimate playmate, but somehow I think attention to me wouldn't be the same anymore. Even the focus of attention of my parents was now for the their two children, I was still happy because I love my baby brother and I love to be ate.

I grown totally as an extrovert kid and a bibbo one. Maybe I can't blame myself, but I will not blame my parents. Being an extrovert as a kid is actually one of the best way to develop a kid. (well, this is actually my opinion as a grown up not just because this is actually me before.) Since my parents always bring me to different places specially at malls these are the things that influenced my grown-up: cinema malls and tv at home-(which is entertainment), shopping of new garbs at mall again -(which is fashion), and oh i forgot to mention these two good people who also cared and stay for me when I was a toddler. My auntie's. Auntie Sussan, sister of my mom- an ultimate fashionista. That until now at the age of 40's she still stay slim,stunning and never out of style. And my Auntie Clarisse, sister of my dad. She was a fine-arts graduate. Real artist of painting, sculpting and calligraphy writing. I have a cousins with them which is almost my same age. I was just older than them.

I love singing and dancing as well as posing infront of camera. That time my parents was clueless on what their daughter wanted to be with or to become in the future. One thing they're sure at: im a bibo girl, confident and talented and that's what they want to develop more. I am honestly saying this because these are what I am when I was a kid. I still remember some of those days and pictures that still reminds me of me.

Manilyn Reynes and Aiza Seguerra were one of my influences on my childhood performer career. They are at their prime that time. I sang the songs of Manilyn Reynes while Aiza Seguerra wons the Lil Ms. Philippine title and became a child star. I idolized them both. That time my parents let me participate in different types of activities while at the same time Im studying in a nursery school. Outside and inside the school, I already had a hectic schedule-wow! parang artista! harhar! See, I was a real spoiled brat here, and a real active and extrovert lil girl. My activities are as listed below: Ballet lesson, Piano lesson, dance activities in school, Singing rehearsal for my talent in Baby SM competition and always practice performance at home. Then after a year I joined Little Ms. Philippines. I remeber how i performed in the stage with a huge audience watching.. and I was confident. Unfortunately...and maybe this field is not a God's will for me. I got a chicken pox exactly on the date of the Finals of Little Ms. Phils. So of course, I have a high fever and can't make it anymore for the finals. When i turned grade 1 (7years old) I was put in a magazine with a picture of me and short feature of me as one of bibbo kids in the existence of that time. My dad has a friend in that publishing magazine company and ask my dad to let me in their mag. wow! I dont know how I got such ala model pose when I was a kid! Mom told me that know one taught me to do such poses and she even wonder how I develop that kind of camera portrait. Evertyme they will shot me a pic, automatically I always have a ready pose. Actually different pose. But unique and quite odd pose as for my age.

Even if i have a hectic schedule in my outdoor activities I still have time to my friends. Yes, I have "tropa" na! heheh! My childhood neighbor and even my classmates are my circle. I love to hangout with them in the playground. Hide and seek, patintero, Langit lupa, 10-20,tumbang preso, moro-moro, jolens, text, cards name it almost all kinds of game that even guys used to played. I remember one time when my mom got really mad at me and hit me because after dismissal in my kinder days, I didn't yet go home and it was already 6pm i am playing in the playground still wearing the uniform. I am too grubby and sweaty. Plus I haven't yet ate a meal-just to play. I cried not because she wants me to go home and my playtime ended, but I got mad at her to hit me in front of my playmates which is actually my classmates too. I cried until we reached home. Their are also some activities at school I participated like poster making where I won 1st place at the first time of experience, essay writing and at intrams I always join obstacle relay. Okay, one thing isn't all about me- SPORTS LOVER. I didn't like sports, or maybe sports doesn't like me. But I say to myself that one day I will try mountain climbing, scuba diving, wake boarding. The only sports I knew how to play, but Im not good at is: volleyball, bowling, badminton. That's it.

I do not have any idea about liking an opposite sex, or what we called "crush". Not until I reached the third garde. But that was too far off my story here. Altough I used to be closed with guy friends before and have a best guy friend that time. Even I was still an innocent girl I have this love team my parents used to teased around... duh. His name is Nonoy. Shucks totoy na totoy tlga! hahaha! (This was the time when we still live at manila). He was a chinito boy, quite cute though. But after leaving Manila I do not have any idea about how was him and what does he look like now. Though honestly too, I already forgot him and I d dint even have an effort to remember him. I dont even know his real name. I just remember his existence due to the pictures that we have in my photo album. Their are alot of pictures of ours. Like we are kissing in lips, holding hands and hugging! gosh! I cant even remember how I did that! maybe our parents taught us what to pose every time they will took us a pic. His parents and my parents are closed as a neighbor. When we move here in Laguna another so called boyfriend my parents used to pull again to me. His name is Arel. And later... on my 4th yr high school he became my classmate. He is so different now and I cant imagine his changes- why? Because now HE is a SHE! hahaha! My mom and his mom are co-workers and we are at the same village. We became close friend and I always play with him together with other kids. But that's just it. But still our parents took the opportunity of our innocents to play and pull us again by having pictures of us like lovers. Hay...

Now my mom told me and realized that no wonder how I became right now, and what I became now. The me when I was a kid was still "QUITE" me in the present. But of course sometimes things change, and need to be changed. As I grew up and I learn to know little by little the right and wrong, bad and good, if it makes the people happy or sad and mad, and make my own decisions, and to understand others then I realized that I am thankful to have a good parents like them who taught me and develop me in someone they wanted me to be me. Because those things really have a big help for me in terms of almost everything: not just about me, on what i want and have, but also sharing my life with other people as I go along with them. Right now I already started to make my own decision. I am somehow glad I have an understanding parents that are always there. Now I can say that I enjoyed those years that gone by as a kid. The little girl that i was before. Now I am not girl anymore, but sometimes the girl I was before is still in me. So I might as well say, maybe Im still that girl...

A little bit. ^_^

PROLONGED AGONY

2008-05-22T10:22:00.000-07:00

"I learned that sometimes when Im angry.. I know that I have the rights to be angry, but that doesn't give me the rights to be cruel..."

Helplessly, Im starting again to feel that I am slowly dying. Its not literally and physically

Does anyone knows how it feels like when you were embracing what you are struggling for? Its difficult to pretend that everything seems alright and act like im in glee. But its harder cause I know that I cant save myself and couldn't escape in this fate.

Sometimes I ask myself why do anguish comes at the moment that you doesn't deserve it. My eyes are hungry, my hands are tired and my heart doesn't stop its bleeding. I search for a lot of reasons and I found none. I ask if its me, then its not. I couldn't figure out this entire sick cycle and my faith just tells me to give up.

3:00: an eargasmic appetite to hear the song of All Saints "Never Ever".

" A few questions that I need to know, How you could ever hurt me so. I need to know what Iv'e done wrong, and how long its been going on. Was it I never paid enough attention? Or did I not give enough affection. Not only will your answer keeps me sane, but I know never to make the same mistake again. You can tell me to my face, or even on the phone. You can write it in a letter. Either way I have to know. Did I never treat you right? Did I always start the fight? Either way, Im going out of my mind. All the answer to my questions I have to find."
----

The end is near.. or is it? Maybe one day I will just wake up realizing this nightmare is the best dream I have. If I could just bail out, If i can just do it, and If I can just go on.. "IF" and JUST" (the most easiest way, but the most difficult to be done).

"I am angrily in love.. but I dont know how to be cruel in love."

4:00:
Explain to me, what has become of us
with words release we can never take them back
For all that were worth now
Not even pleading can save us.

4:30
I dont wana wake up, feeling so close to the end....

5:00
zZZzzzz...

Jungle Mania (PART 1)

2008-05-17T15:47:00.000-07:00

JUNGLE MANIA

I made this write up because another backstabber pissed me off this passed few days. Although that made me realize how my sick cycle carousel in this animal life chain turns out. I am not only focusing in this specific monkey backstabber, but this is all about the kind of chain I have right now dealing and surrounding with different types of individuals who have an acquired HORRIFYING BEHAVIOR!!! (take note of that!)

Its not that I'm being too judgmental, its just the things that really exist and some thoughts in my head that I wanna shout in the face of these people. Whoever you are reading my blog, I hope you read it well and try to understand. After all this is just based on my OWN perceptions, observations, and experiences that I encounter in an almost 6months of being a working girl here. So if you have any complains, comments, questions and concerns regarding this matter, kindly direct it to me straightly cause I really abhor DEVILS ON MY BACK! If you were wondering why I'm not the type of person who speak up on such things that was already big deal to me, or these following people who I never tried to talk to.. is because of this simple answer: "Im the kind of person who chose to respect those deserving, speak with persons that i only chose to speak with. I do not want to waste my saliva or even a sort of time talking with such non-sense people, not worthy to talk to, whom I don't have any concerns I need to deal with, and mostly if that someone do some shitty things on me!" But dont worry I know how to forgive, its just that I do not forget. Am I quite mean here? I guess I'm not. This is me, and Im just being justifiable based on my perception in gaining my rights to chose who I wanted to hate or love. I don't care on what you will say or what you might think as well. Just don't try to do some silly acts on me, cause you'll never know what you're gonna get especially to those DEVILS BEHIND ME!

Last November 20, 07 I felt really glad to have my very first job. Of course as a grant writer. Yes, this is here in... uhmmm... okay, I will name this company "JUNGLE" (excuse me for the term, but I think this is the suitable word to use. If you don't know this word try to look first in the dictionary and see how it really fiits.) Going back, I was kinda excited; though challenges and adjustments are things that I still need to face. Including in this adjustments are the people I need to deal with (my officemates). Ever since I was born up to the present times I have right now, I already encountered alot of people that I actually listed below. This is so common that we live everyday of our lives in this planet surrounding with these people. But things are worst when you are trying to survive in this JUNGLE FULL OF THESE BEAST. Thankful I have my friends here who makes my life enjoyable. Without them life in the JUNGLE is so MISERABLE and HELL. I didn't hate everyone I put on my HORRIFYING BEHAVIOR LIST. (Just some of them). But I need to put them bacause they are part of the ecosytem in this JUNGLE that are too dangerous and PREDATOR OF THIS CHAIN.

Please another take note: Its not that Im criticizing these people. As what I said earlier this is just based on my OWN perceptions and observations... any opinions isn't needed. I myself proclaim that i am a certified pre-madonna and a laidback girl, who just looks like "maarte and suplada" but definitely a cowgirl. But so what? atleast whatever Im doing is just all ABOUT ME. ATLEAST I DONT DO ACTS THAT WILL AFFECT OTHER PEOPLE BY HARMING, AND HURTING THEM AS WELL.

Now if you were a part of this jungle, and I will hear a complain "IF" you were one, or the one on my BEAST LIST here. Wahahahah!!! what?!! are you GUILTY? maybe at first I will just laugh at you. But somehow I will be glad that you are aware of your UNBELIEVABLE BEHAVIOR and DEPRAVING ACTS. ATLEAST.

But if you were about to ask me to tell you who are these specific people... Well, try not because I will not answer you. If you belong in this JUNGLE, you better be BEWARE and not aware in these kind of people. And as what I said earlier this is my own perception and assertion so try to find on your own. Dont ask me some stupid "who is that blah, blah, blah you put in your blog?...."

THE BEAST AMIDST THE JUNGLE

1. CORRUPT- these are the people who deviously do some fishy stuff of underhanded specifically MONEY that they didn't own or didn't dseserve. And all they gotta do is live a filthy life of being a social climber. (Ang Kapal NOh!? Oi mahiya k nmn sa blat mong BANAT na BANAT!)

2. GREEDY- Stingy, selfish, gluttonous lots of desire in everything. Actually corrupt and greedy have almost
the same criteria of psychological ashaming behavior in the society. Take note that if you were this kind of person, even if your'e still alive on earth right now, your soul already burns at hell.(7 Deadly sins, do you know that?)

3. BACKSTABBERS OR PLASTICS- They acts nice at your face but as soon as you turn your back, they will do their nasty shit on you. OMG! This is one of the most awful kind of attitude that i really abhor. You can find them everywhere. There are some who are inborn made of synthetics, so beware! The bad thing is you will never know at first that they are one of these people. So do not trust and be friend with evryone if you just have met them or doesn't know them yet. Honestly for me these two words are synonyms. The only difference is BACKSTABBERS really stab you even if they are not you friend or soon to be friend, or even nothing at all. I do not know why there are mischievous sprite everywhere. For me these people are AFRAID and COWARD because if they wana fighht someone, why at their BACK?

4. FRAUDSTER- Of course they are trying to be professional in fraud world, but this people are as silly and ridiculous as themselves. They like scam a lot. They are such phony who tries to fraud a scam! hahahahah! I do not know if I will call you idiot? stupid? or stubborn?

5. MYSTERIOUS TERRORISTAS- I am not opposing these activist people. but what I do not like in their revolutionary rebel is that they do their acts mysteriously and non-stoppingly without even a lil bit cautious on who to point-click-kill. They infect such viruses and spread all over for the pity people who silently, seriously doing best at work, while in the future they are the one's to suffer just because of this mysterious acts. If I were the person and Im mad at somebody, I will just directly aim my revenge to that specific person, and not affecting everyone. I think that's the best thing to do.

6. ATTENTION SEEKER- Loves attention anu pa nga ba? i dont know if they are out of place or they're just trying too hard to have some certain actions. If you want attention better do it in good way, not the annoying way. So that you will glad for the result of your Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Well, Im not mad at these people, they are just sometimes irritating.

7. F na F- One of the things I hate most, feeling na feeling! As in sa lahat ng bagay! but the most disgusting is FEELING SUPERIOR, FEELING ALL HE/SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING, and FEELING HEARTHROB! grabe magpagamot k na! Illusionado at Illusionada! hahaha

8. SILENT STRAW- why straw? mahilig sumipsip. hay.. this person loves to hangout, talk to the boss or his/her superior until trust will built by his/her superior. (Sometimes I ask myself why they need to waste a time like that, Dont they have any guts to achieve what they aim for without doing such thing?)

9. CRAB PULLER- People whose brain was functioning just for crab mentality. Yes these people loves to pull down other people just to beat their victims, get what they want to achieve and reach their burning peak! (Why do they need to harm other people just to satisfy their needs?) Simple: Because they are losers and trying hard (even he/ she knows well him/herself) to (pretend) that they are the BEST.

10. GOSSIP MONGER- Usually girls have this kinda attitude, but not in a jungle! hahaha!! their habits is to tattletale hearsays and rumors. Worst part of these people is that sometimes rumors they spread has an additional story from their own heck of imaginations and perceptions.

11. PAKIELEMERA- people who are more than 100% cares for you. What they do in your life is just focused on your stuff and try to ruin you. They drew to much attention on you rather than their own lives. Gosh! geta life of your own! and dont care on my mess if you dont want me to mess you up! Sometimes I thinks they are also insecures who waste their time just thinking on you and how to ruin you because they can't be you. (Believe me..inseciora are sometime plastic too..)

The list mention above are a genuine existing in this jungle. Terms I used are the suited ones for their corressponding behavior. I just hope there will be no more additional list of these beast in the jungle.

KARMA strikes times three, so if you think you were on of these pips, better be ready. GUDLUCK!Angry